Trumped

four // learning basic skills

Learning Basic Skills

I type into my cellular telephone: Basic skills to learn

The results that pop up don't seem very helpful, in my opinion, so I delete the text and write: how to make tea wikihow

I wait impatiently for the results to load, tapping my foot angrily. I click on the first link that appears and it takes me to a page with five steps on making tea.

Step one: boil the water. Okay, simple enough. I grab a fancy metal pot from a cabinet and fill it with high quality bottled water (tap water doesn't suit a high functioning man such as myself), and place it on the stove. I turn on the heat and let it sit there.

Step two: preheat your teacup. I'm not quite sure what this means, but I grab my special teacup and stick it in the oven for some five minutes. After it's nice and heated up, I take it out of the oven and place it on my solid gold counter.

Step three: put the tea in the bottom of the cup. Okay, that'll be a piece of cake. I quickly scan the kitchen for a teabag, and once I've spotted one, I grab it. I examine it, it's green tea. Alrighty. I place the bag in the teacup, and then decide to add one more for good measure.

Step four: add hot water. It says I should never use boiled water for teabags, but what's the harm? I dump the hot water into the cup anyway.

Step five: let the tea steep. I let the cup rest on the counter for several moments and then opt to drink it soon after. I raise the cup to my lips and take a small sip. I immediately spew it out, this is absolutely repulsive! Never shall I make tea ever again! What terrible instructions, I'm going to be sick.

This is why I need a servant.

In order to to calm myself, I text, as the teenagers would call it, my bae, Hillary Clinton.

New Message: Hillary <3

You: Hey bae, what's up?? delivered 2:47 PM

Hillary <3: hey Donald!!! What's the haps?? I'm doing great how about you!!!! IMY delivered 2:47 PM

You: <3 I'm better than everyone as always <3 I miss you too darling delivered 2:48 PM

Hillary <3: AWEE!1!1! OMG our "ship name" (that means relationship name!!!!!) should be Dillary :) <3 <3 delivered 2:49 PM

You: that's a great idea!!! You're such a genius that's why I love you BABE <3 <3 delivered 2:51 PM

Hillary <3: aweeEEEE!1!1! ILY SM BAE delivered 2:51 PM

You: did you know I learned how to make tea!??? I'm so proud. I wish I had more servants to do it for me though :,( it was a LOT of work TBH delivered 2:52 PM

Hillary <3: you poor thing?1?1!!1!!1!1! I'm cOming over rIGHT NOW. I LOVE U SEE U .,, SOON DARLING delivered 2:53 PM

I don't look entirely myself, but that's quite okay. I'm extremely excited for Hillary to come over. I miss her so much after not having seen her for a day.

Four minutes after her final text, I hear her enter somewhere inside the realms of the mansion. I relax on the couch, waiting for her to find me. After the tea fiasco, I doubt I'll be doing anything by myself anytime soon.

Two minutes later, Hillary finds herself in my largest living room, which is also where I happen to be at the moment.

She's wearing an oversized hoodie that says SLAY, and bootcut capris that aren't exactly the right size. But I don't mind, she looks stunning in any outfit. Perhaps she would look unappealing in a garbage bag, but for now she is very fashion forward. "Hey, Hillary!" I greet her enthusiastically.

"Hey, Bae!" she says, matching my amount of enthusiasm. "You know," she says more seriously, "Bill is starting to get concerned. I've started wearing less and going out more. It's making him quite suspicious. I don't really care for his feelings though, so it's okay."

I snort attractively, because everything I do is attractive, and scoff. "Bill needs to chill. Hey, I should be a rapper!"

She giggles at my comical statement. "I would listen to your mixtapes all day, Donald!"

I wink and she mock gasps. "Donald, you're a saucy bean!"

"Oh, you know I am," I say, reaching for my phone. "Let's take a selfie!"

I pose with her and afterwards, I see that it has turned out amazing! I post it on Instagram with the caption, Hanging with bae.

I then fearfully remember our romance is forbidden, and quickly delete it. It's too late, thousands of people have already seen it. I open up Safari and type, Donald Trump news and to my misfortune, there are already several articles focusing on our relationship!

Trump and Clinton, are they Dating?

Is #Dillary our Latest Ship?

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, Hidden Romance

I show Hillary the news reports and she frowns. "Oh, Donald, what will we do?"

I shake my head in defeat. For once, I don't have any genius ideas (which is absolutely appalling considering my high IQ) and I say, "I'm not sure. We should probably stay here for the time being."

She nods in agreement. "That's a good idea. Oh, crikey, I'm so scared."

My heart starts to hammer as the realization sinks in; my numbers will either skyrocket or plunge into the negatives—I'm assuming it's the latter, of course, considering the political parties we each associate with. Hillary strokes my toupee and I pet her wig in return.

I can't believe this; I desperately pray to the full scale model of myself. Please let the media forget about this. My publicity cannot be tarnished with this vile news story. Amen.

I'm hoping that this will soon blow over, but then I remember the memes. I log into Instagram and search the hashtag, #TRUMP, and what comes up is shocking.

There are already photoshopped edits of Hillary and I sharing a kiss; on dates; jet skiing. It's all too terrible to be true, how could I let this happen?

The hashtag refreshed and new memes pop up by the dozen. My irresponsibility has ruined my chances of ever becoming president; now how will I take over the world?