Situation

Chapter 41: The Nightmares Return

          "Kanda, where are you going?" I ask, sitting on the bed happily next to Ice. Even though he was at the door, it was obvious that his jaw clenched, and he said, "I know what you did! Don't play dumb with me. I saw the bloody gauze!"

Shaking my head, I say, "I didn't, though! I haven't cut for months!"

Then, I feel the stickiness between my fingers, and when I look down, blood oozes from dozens of cuts marring my arms. Watching in horror at the crimson liquid, I scream, "No, I didn't do it! I didn't do it!"

"I didn't do it!" I gasp as I bolt straight up, looking around and at my arms. They were scarred, but not bleeding. Looking at Kanda as he slept perfectly sound, I whisper, "It was just a dream."

Careful not to wake my boyfriend, I crawl out of the bed, glancing at the clock that read six in the morning, and I walk to the door. No one would be up yet, so I should just get a drink and go back to bed. Slipping out of our bedroom, I quietly closed the door and began to walk around the bar in the dark towards the light switch.

Feeling around the wall, I finally find it and flip it on, light bathing the room, and I turn around, finding Lavi sitting at the bar.

"Lavi!" I yelp, laying a hand over my chest to calm my racing heart. "You scared me!"

"Heh, sorry," he says, his arms crossed over the bar as I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass from the cabinet, filling it with water from the sink and taking a sip. Swallowing the water, I ask, "So why are you up?"

"As Bookman Junior, my body is trained to wake up about a half-hour before the sun rises. It's a gift and a curse. What about you?" he asks as I put an arm on the cold granite, a chill running through my shirtless body though I overpower it.

"Can't sleep," I mutter, taking another drink and emptying the glass before placing it in the sink. Silence fills the air, which I thought was really weird since Lavi is usually quite talkative, but then I realize the redhead was staring at me, or more correctly, my scars. Covering my chest with my arms, I duck my head and begin walking as fast as possible to the bedroom, "I'm sorry. I'll go put on a shirt."

A hand grabs my shoulder, "Allen, wait."

Tears blur my vision as I look back at him, his face a blob of red, green, black, and cream, and I say, "I-it's fine. I mean, it doesn't b-bother me."

"Yes, it does. Don't lie," he tells me, leading me to the couch, and we sit together. Even though he said it was fine, I still take the quilt from the end of the couch and wrap it around my shoulders, "You hadn't seen them yet, had you? I mean, the ultrasound didn't show hardly a third of them."

Lavi doesn't reply for a moment, but after a minute he shakes his head, "No, I hadn't. I just...can't believe I didn't realize that it was going on."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. I already had this conversation with Lenalee and Kanda," I say, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Standing, he walks to the balcony door, looking out at the dawn sky, and I see his jaw clench and relax several times before he asks, "Why was I the last to know? Do you not trust me?"

Shaking my head, I say, "That's not it, Lavi! I trust you with my life, but I never told anyone really. Um, did Kanda tell you about the...the, um...."

"What? Tell me about what?" he asked, looking back at me. Uncomfortable with the situation, I whisper so low I wonder if he could even hear me, "The suicide."

With his back to the glass, Lavi slowly sinks down to the floor with his head in his hands, "Oh gosh, Allen."

"I know, I'm sorry," I say. "The first time was when I was in a fight with Lenalee, and I didn't take enough sleeping pills. The second I was in bed with Kanda and I took off my shirt without thinking. He left and I thought that he hated me, so I...he saved me."