I Read About the Afterlife (But I Never Really Lived)

03-It's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you

He makes the headlines the next day. Young Boy From Chicago Travels to Ohio; Kills Self. His dad didn't notice he was gone until he gets the paper on the twenty-seventh and sees Patrick's photo on the front page.

There isn't a funeral, but he's burned and his ashes are buried in Chicago, miles away from his mother.

Patrick doesn't know any of this.

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It's the middle of June.

Patrick's five years old, playing with his cousins in the park while his aunt watches them for the day. He doesn't know what his dad's doing, but that's okay. The little boy with ginger-blond hair is just happy to be with his older cousins.

He's confused when they aren't playing with him, why would they stop? They're all sitting in a circle, looking at some magazine. Jimmy's the oldest as twelve, and they all look up to him. He also happens to be the owner of the magazine. "This is my brother's," he's saying proudly, the magazine splayed out in front of them. "I stole it from him because he doesn't really need it, he has loads. See, Patrick, look!"

Jimmy holds up the magazine, and Patrick is confused. It's got a woman on the page it's opened to, hardly wearing any clothing, winking at the camera, and Patrick doesn't like it. "It's great," Aaron is saying. "I'd have sex with her."

And they start laughing, leaving Patrick to wonder what 'sex' means. He's never heard the word before, but it doesn't sound like anything he'd have with the lady in the magazine. "I don't like it," he says, and Jimmy shoves him away with a scowl.

"Wait until you're older," he promises.

+++

Patrick's seven years old, and his parents are fighting. Jimmy got in trouble two years ago for taking the magazine. Apparently it was really bad, but Patrick doesn't know why. Men have their shirts off all the time in magazines, so why couldn't women? He just didn't understand.

"I can't believe you would do this!" his mom yells from downstairs, and Patrick covers his ears because he doesn't like it when his parents yell. It's scary.

"At least she's a better fuck than you!" his dad screams back, and there's a smack, meaning his mother must have slapped him. Patrick begins to cry because he's terrified of what's going to happen. His parents aren't supposed to fight.

"Why don't you get out then!"

The door slams, and Patrick buries his face in his pillow, still crying and shaking because he's so scared.

His mother comes upstairs and sits next to him, placing a hand gently on his back. "Patrick, baby, it's okay." She pulls him into her arms and Patrick cries into her shirt, terrified, but still feeling safe with her. "Daddy was dating another woman and she's going to have his children. He can't stay with us anymore, baby, okay?" Patrick nods numbly into his mother's shirt, not really understanding what's going on. "We'll be okay, Patrick, I promise. Come on, I'll order us pizza for dinner."

Patrick lets her stand up, wiping off his eyes and grinning. He wonders about the woman his dad is with now. Maybe she is like the woman in the magazine.

+++

When Patrick is eight years old and in second grade, a very pretty girl asks him if he will kiss her. Patrick says no.

And everything goes bad.

She tells her twin brother, who is also in their class, and he starts telling everyone that Patrick is a faggot. Patrick doesn't know what that is, but it sounds bad. One of the boys saying this is Alex. He pushes Patrick to the ground outside during playtime one day and tells him he's a gay faggot and that he should kill himself.