the love club

xxviii

Phil

To: Pj
Please delete my number

To: Pj
I love Dan and we need to forget what happened yesterday. It didn't mean anything.

To: Pj
I'm sorry but we can't be talking.
The mere sight of your name in my contacts is coming with too much guilt and I can't handle that.

"Who are ya' texting?" Dan asked, grinning at me.
"Just Chris." I lied and already the guilt is overcoming.
"Okay." He smiled.

From: Pj
Can we at least talk about this?

To: Pj
No funny business

From: Pj
No funny business :)

I put my phone away, my stomach swirling with guilt and anxiety.

Dan is half asleep on the sofa, his eyes fluttering as the soundtrack on F.R.I.E.N.D.S lulls him to sleep.

I lean over him, kissing him passionately to awaken him. He jolts up, laughing slightly.

"Sorry am I missing a good bit?" He giggles and I shook my head silently, climbing onto his lap. His eyes widened and I kissed him again, not waiting to slip my tongue in his mouth. I grind against him forcefully, raking my hands down his chest before palming him through his sweatpants.

"Phil, not tonight." He mumbled sleepily but I continue my movements, moaning as I kiss his neck.
"Phil." He said again but I ignore him, slipping my hand down his pants.
"Phil!" He yelled, shoving me away.

I stare at him from my position on the carpet.

"What the fuck?" He shouted.

He jumps up, walking quickly out of the room and I immediately feel overcome by guilt. Tugging at my hair in frustration, I stand up from the floor and make my way to the kitchen.

Dan is leaning over the sink, his shoulders bunched up and shaking.

"D-dan." I stuttered before coughing and repeating myself in a more steady tone.
He whipped around, staring me up and down.
"What was that about?" He asked, his voice timid and unsteady. "Am I not pleasing you enough?"
He laughed angrily.
"No." I panicked. "No, not at all. I just wanted to..."
He rolled his eyes and I can't help but sighing.
"Are you seriously sighing?" Dan snapped.
"So what if I wanted to fuck?" I yelled. "We never do, anyway."
He laughed again. "Wow, you're so fucking deprived, Phil."
"Wow, you're so fucking prissy, Daniel." I said without thinking. His copper eyes widened in shock and surprise at my words.

"Grow up!" He screamed, his voice echoing around the dark, gloomy room and splitting in my ears.
I'm not taken aback by his angry outburst, but I don't speak.
"You say shit like that as if we're still in high school!"
I glowered at the floor in shame, but I can't help the pit-of-my-gut feeling that makes me want to fight back, despite how disgustingly wrong I know it is to fight with my boyfriend about lack of intercourse. I only tried to force him into it because of how guilty I feel about kissing Pj.

"Why does fucking mean so god damned much to you?" Dan pleaded, waving his arms at me angrily.
"Is it a sin that I want to have sex with my boyfriend?" I laughed.
"Only when you keep pressuring him after he says stop!" He fights.

"Is this why you were never in any relationships in high school? Because all you wanted to do was fuck?" He mocked.
"Are you seriously bringing up high school?"

We're inches apart, my back pressing against the wall. I hadn't even realised we had been slowly moving backwards until I bumped into the door frame. Dan's anger is radiating off of him in short hot breaths that tickle my face.

"What's wrong with that?" He shouted. "Scared of the reality you live in?"

"We've been dating for a year!" I exclaimed. "Why are you bringing this up now?"

Suddenly, in our closeness, all I want to do is hurt him as much as I can for being so ridiculous even though this is my fault. It's my fault for whoring around in high school. It's my fault for kissing Pj. It's my fault for pressuring Dan. But in this horrid lighting and his mockingly heart-wrenching words, I say the worst thing I can think of.

"I kissed Pj."

it's been sooosospsoa long since i updated ohmygosh
-holly