The Brighter Side of Life

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Mum,

If there's one thing I know, it's that boys are confusing and that care homes are not for me.

So here's a little update from me since you left us. I'm in a care home now, and it's not too bad. The people are nice here. Well, nicer than I expected them to be, anyway.

I arrived in the dead of the night. I'm not saying that to make myself look more important or cool or anything, because there's really nothing cool about being in care. I was simply stating a fact. I came in the dead of the night when everyone was meant to be asleep.

At least, that's what I tell people. It's a lot less embarrassing than telling them what actually happened.

I tried to run away. Yep, that's the truth. The actual truth. It might not make you proud, but I needed to tell someone. It's just that, I didn't see the point of any of it. You're not alive anymore. How are you ever going to read this? Dad left one day to get cigarettes and never came back. Then it was just me and Adrian, having to live off of the stale things we could find in the back of the cupboard and trying hard to keep the secret of Dad's disappearance from the people at school. They wouldn't understand. Dad was coming back, of course he was. He wouldn't leave his sixteen-year-old daughter and his ten-year-old son in the lurch like that. What kind of self respecting person would do such a thing?

But I've given up on right and wrong now. I realise now, after what I did, that in the situation, right and wrong don't matter anymore. It's just you and the moment and what you want. Nothing else. And I think that's why bad things still happen. You always used to ask me to think about that. Why bad things still happen if we all know right and wrong. Well I think I know. It's not because humans are all evil, no. I don't believe in evil. I believe in self-indulgence and thoughtlessness. I believe that only thinking of yourself is the root of all the bad things that happen. Humans aren't evil. We're selfish. And that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

That's what I was thinking the first time I saw boy X officially. Not that you'd know who he is, but I'm going to tell you about him anyway. There are so many different types of people in the world, and I was figuring out who I was right then, when I first came to the home. Because people are so different in the way they act and behave, and it's all so interesting. I'd already learned that as much as people may try to be nice, no-one is genuine. We are all what we want others to see. Incredibly nice. Witty. Mean. That's something you taught me. The person you are when you're alone is the truest version of yourself, there's no denying. That's why I was so suspicious of boy X in the first place. What did he want? What were his real motives? Who was he when he was alone?

But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'm writing to give my side of things, and because Maggie said that it helps when you've lost a loved one. You'd think a letter written by me is meant to be all about - well - me. However, as of late, boy X has found a way of wiggling into my life in a way that no-one else has before. It would be almost impossible to recall any memory worth recalling from the past two weeks without him being in it. Before, I would have said that it was a bad thing. But now... Now I'm not so sure.

The story of how I got into the Home, and where Adrian is and how I actually feel about everything that's going on are things to be answered in due course. But for now, I'm just writing to let you know that I'm okay, and to let out my feelings. I'm not a very good storyteller so I'm sorry if this letter was boring to read. Story writing is more Adrian'a department. I probably didn't even do this right.

I hope you're looking over my shoulder as I write this.

Your daughter,
Ayah x