To Love a Borgia

The Fear of the Known and Unknown

I've been going through this and re-writing and tweaking because I want to update and post a revised version on Kindle.  I was going to do it tonight but I realized how much work was required and decided to wait until tomorrow--sorry.

Lucrezia's apartments at the convent of San Sisto were spacious, and she had brought in the comforts to which she was accustomed. Among these were a bed, and furnishings, along with three maids and two manservants, with a cook the Pope had thoughtfully provided. If they were not the equal of her rooms in the Vatican, it was only because there would be no time to paint frescoes on the walls, Constanzia teased.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Constanzia asked, but she didn't really need an answer. Lucrezia had grown up since her wedding, and was discovering her own power. She was learning to make shrewd decisions on her own, and if Constanzia wished that she had preserved a little more of her innocence, she was pleased to see the self-assured young woman Lucrezia was growing into.

"Yes, if you can believe it. I feel quite safe here. Father told me that he is going to seek an annulment, and since that can only be a non-consummation of the marriage, he must be quite sure that he can attain it. Giovanni will get to keep my dowry, imagine, thirty-one thousand ducats, that should make it easier for him to swallow his pride and debase himself. He'll marry again, someone he likes better, I'm sure."

"But you won't be at my wedding. I'll bring Calvino to meet you, but it won't be the same. You'll like him, I promise, and I'm sure he'll like you, for my sake if nothing else. I am hoping he will let me come to Rome for your lying in, I can't imagine not being here."

Lucrezia took her hand, "If he is as kind as you say he is, I'm sure he will. You may even be expecting your own child by then."

"I may already be." She left her words hanging. If Lucrezia had suspected she was still Cesare's lover, now she knew for sure.

Lucrezia squeezed the hand she held, "If it is his my dearest," both knew whom she meant, "Calvino most likely won't know," she said, reading Constanzia's mind, "I promise. If it's a boy, he'll be too pleased with the birth of a son to pay attention, and if it's a girl, if he has any doubts he'll be inclined to dismiss them. Men see what they want to see."

"I've told him if I ever have a girl, I'm naming her 'Lucrezia the Younger'." Cesare did not yet know that she might be pregnant. Would he want to claim the child as his own? How many children did he have, anyway? One thing that was common among the Borgia's, they loved their children.

"And at least one of mine will be 'Constanzia'. I've always had a love for my brother that seems to surpass just sisterly love. As long as you've been around, it's always been a seemly love, but now?" Lucrezia leaned closer to Constanzia, "You're the only person that I know I can admit this to. While I was young, he restrained himself, now things are changing fast. I've seen how he is with you, how much he loves you, how he can't bear to let you go, but now you can get away. Tell me, cousin, did he make you happy?"

"Yes, at times he did, but that doesn't mean I did not want him to let me go. Be careful, cousin, he might love you with all his heart, but sometimes his love is cruel. If you want my advice on the matter, I would tell you don't do it, don't let him have you. But, if he wants you, if he truly wants you, you will find him hard to resist—I did anyway. You're safe while you're with child, and until you have been churched. After that, it will be up to you."

She stood up and kissed Lucrezia on the lips. "I know you are stronger than me, if you tell him "no" he will give in to your wishes, if not, I know you can manage him. I'm done, I have a husband that I love, Cesare is my past, Calvino my future."