Hi! I am enigmatika, was born on a Tuesday at exactly 1:19 in the afternoon of August 21st of 1984. I've been the first fruit of the morally wrong relationship of my parents. Why do I say so? It is for the reason that I could already regard my mother as one of my grandmas (not just because of our age gap) while my father as one of my cousins. My father is my mothers' nephew in her first cousin imbay Marta.
Yes, I am a product of incest. Unions that are not being accepted by people worldwide, relationships that are being condemned not just by our local government but as well as our Catholic Church. Since it all started with a wrong step and because of their weaknesses and imperfections, no matter how I shall look at it, left to right, up to down, I am still a busted daughter that they may ever have.
Nevertheless, despite this awkward situation that we had, I never look at this as an embarrassment on me, probably because I found out about this veracity in my existence, only when I was in highschool, just the right age for me to accept everything completely. If not because of my aunt who visited us from the province I would have not known this truth, good thing that she arrive at my perfect age for me to understand that life is full of imperfections. I know for a fact that if she came into my life years earlier, it would probably be harder for me to accept the whole thing. This is the main reason why, hiding this chapter of my life has never come up to my mind, and infact I even use this exceptional fraction of mine as a starter for a good conversation.
In addition to these extraordinary particulars on me, after I graduated from college my parents parted, my father decided to live a life away from me - his unica ija. Years after I started living on my own, I found out that my father at the age of 48 just started to begin a new family, with this bicolana girl who has two kids from her past. They are now comfortably living in our home province Isabela, Negros Occidental. In spite of this, I never hold any grudges on my dad, because even if he left me alone on my feet for another woman, this still couldn't match with all the good things that my father had showed me in the past.
I can even clearly recall his great effort in keeping me study in a well-knowned and respected school to prepare me in the future. How can I forget the days when he nearly dies in finding money for my daily allowances? He almost begged from our pretending to be good neighbors for delicious foods that he himself can't afford from his own purse. That is mainly the reasons why he earns so much respect from me that I can't even offer hatred to fill my heart in.
At the moment, I am eager in meeting all my five living bilogical brothers on my fathers' side. Yes, suprissingly I just recently became aware that my father has planted eight kids in five different womens' womb, two of which was with my mom, unfortunately my brother Edgar died due to miscarriage, another three was with the girl my father is currently living with. The other three was with the girls that my father claims he had just a short-term relationship with. I've already met and even spend quality time with my younger brothers Divz and Kogee.
While my brother next to my late bro was Edward has a different storyline, her mother died when he was just six and now his living with his granny Nang Coring. Sadly, he was already been brainwashed by his relatives to hate my father as well as hate me, her very own sister. Primarily, this was why when he saw me when I am about to give him a surprise visit, he locked his door and even hide himself. It was my most heartbreaking experience that I have had with my brothers, taking into consideration my efforts in meeting him and hopefully spending time with him, but nothing happens instead, I just gave attention to the fact that he's just a 9 year old boy, who's not supposed to go through such traumatic reality of life.
Talking about my two remaining brothers, well, they are now hunted by me, I am more than motivated enough in meeting both of them, with a bit of luck, hopefully they could easily accept me since they are both in the right age and that they are my big bro while I'll be their li'l sis. I just hope that our meetings wouldn't be tear-jerking as my meeting with Edward, that we could face each other amicably and no tensions at all.
For the meanwhile, I'll just be crossing my fingers while I'm waiting for that to happen, I'll still be trying to fix my relationship with my mom, a realationship that had been unsound since I was a child. Mainly because she had been so focused in her career that we seldom meet at home but on Sundays, and if we'll do meet, there's really nothing good happening. I don't know why but I no longer remember any single moment that my mom and I had spent quality time together during my childhood days. What I can freshly remember was those time that we wrestle together to death due to some misunderstandings.
Our age gap probably be the best thing to blame fo this. Bearing in mind that, she grew up on an era that is far different from mine, she lived in a very conservative environment while I was born at the time when liberalization is being practiced. Frankly speaking, I still couldn't justify to myself why I hold so much hatred for my mom as much as I should have feel this for my dad. I still couldn't reason out why, I don't have any passion for her.
Maybe because I still cound't forgive her for letting her nephew peep on me during my teenage years. Yes my own mother allowed my my cousin continually peeping on me for two years, while studying, watching t.v., and worst taking a bath. My mother tolerated my own cousin maliciously staring at me for his whole stay in our own home, and when I asks her why, she couldn't give me any valid reason but just because he is her nephew. This is just one of the reasons why, every time I was accused that I am not a good daughter, I never retaliate, but accept it as a fact, because I couldn't even explain to myself why I curse my mother to death, and in fact I never addresses my mom as any another mother term, I could never even remember the last time I called her NANAY.
She never asks how I felt about what happen, but instead look at me as a bitch, because I never befriend to girls but mostly to guys. If only she knew that I hated her so much for everything, that because of what has happen, I never feel so secure in my own home. Because of everything, I never been secure using public rest rooms for quite sometimes, I never trusted anyone aside from myself. I feel so little, that my own mom thought that im not worth fighting for.
Enough of this heart aches, im now crying while typing. It's funny that it's been a decade ago but I never let go of the bitterness inside of my heart, it feels like, it was just yesterday, but that doesn't lessen me as a person, in fact I learned to stand on my own, I learned that there is no one in this world that would love me the most but only ME. As the song goes, I'm bruised but now broken. I'm trying to heal my wounds from the past and start a new life, a day after a day. I know that sooner or later I'll manage to forgive, but just not now. So let it be.
