Misguided Mornings// h.s

The Hardest Part

I sighed and sat down on the couch slowly. Hunter looked at me quizzically. "Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded my head as he sat next to me.

"Just tired." I murmured.

"We can talk later if you want to go to sleep." He began to say, standing. It was only ten o'clock though so I shook my head and motioned for him to sit again. He sat back down as I prepared my story.

"Okay." I murmured. "I'm going to tell you this but you can't interrupt me okay?" Hunter nodded his head slowly. He didn't look like he wanted to know what my secret was anymore. "Alright well.. It happened nearly eight years back now.." I began.

Slowly, I bang to explain to him about Jeramy, and what happened that fateful night in June of 2008. "I was fifteen, had just gotten out of a movie.." After eight years, I had finally perfected my story. When I had first told the boys, I had not direction really, just dates and points of interest. Now I could wrap everything up in a neat little package of things people didn't want to hear but was important to my backstory.

"Terra..." He said as I paused in my story.

"Hunter." I said sternly. He shut his mouth again and I continued. "June 20th, 2008 I found out I was pregnant." His eyes went wider. Everyone's always does when they found out about my baby.. My little Matthew. My heart still ached when I thought about him. I explained to him how I lost Matthew and he must have thought that was the end of it, but it wasn't.

"Terra that's all really.." I gave him a stern look. "You're not done yet are you."

"No but this part is almost.. We'll sort of nonessential, I'm clearly over him.." I lightly explained about my ex boyfriend Aaron and how he tried to have sex with me and broke my heart when I said no. Hunter was nodding his head slowly.

"So how does Harry play into all of this? And the boys... Do they know?" I nodded my head.

"Outside of my family and my friends back home, they were the first ones to hear my story." I explained. He furrowed his eyebrows. "That's why I'm so close to them..."

"But why did you tell them?" I pursed my lips.

"I get these nightmares of.. What happened.. You remember how I met them right?"

"Yeah, you were all camping and they happened to be in the plot next to yours." I smiled. A stroke of luck really. If it had been anyone else, I probably would have been kicked out of the campsite. Camping while I had these nightmares was such a stupid idea to begin with but... I'm glad I decided to go.

"Well I was supposed to be camping with my friends but they all flaked out on me so I went alone.. I don't know what I was thinking really. My nightmares were awful. Sometimes I would walk up screaming or I'd start shouting for Jeremy to get off of me.. But somehow I didn't think about that. I just had to get away from my family for a little while and leave my hometown.. I had to forget about all of it." Hunter nodded in understanding.

"The nightmares followed me. The first night I had it, Harry woke me up. He had to go inside my tent to do it and because I was thrashing around, he had to.. Pin me down. It freaked me out. I hurt him when I threw him off me though I didn't find out until later." I smiled at the memory. "He stayed with me, tried to get me to say what was wrong but I wouldn't spill my guts to a stranger.. Especially since Harry and I weren't exactly friends when we first met."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I actually kind of hated him." I shrugged. "He didn't get much sleep on that trip but.. He told me that he actually didn't sleep really well anyways.. I started to let him sleep in my tent with me because it made me feel.. Safe.. I hadn't felt like that in two years.. Not even with Aaron. Being with Aaron was a comfort.. Being with Harry was security." Hunter looked away as I said this.. Damnit.. Deep water. I had to get myself out of there.

"They eventually got me to tell them what was going on.. They were concerned about me and they wanted to help if they could.. Which wasn't possible." I paused. "That's why Harry and I are close Hunter. He's helped me through a lot and I've helped him work some things out with himself too. The people we are now, are not the same people we were four years ago."

"I understand what you're saying." He said slowly. "God, Terra I'm sorry for the things I've said."

"No Hunter it's fine."

"No it's not. I should have known better. Despite the fact that he's your ex-boyfriend.. You're still friends. I can't tell you to stop liking or seeing your friends just because I'm jealous. And it's like you said, you e been friends with Harry longer than you two were ever together." I nodded my head slowly. "If I had known..."

"But you didn't. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"No.. You needed to trust me. I get that." He moved closer to me, taking my hand. "But.. Are you okay now? Do you still have nightmares?" He asked lightly. I shrugged.

"They come and go.. Last year I would have them every so often still but now.. A little less. I think Harry helped with that. Sleeping in the same bed as someone was a comfort to me. I guess therapeutic in a way. I could sleep next to someone of the opposite sex and not be afraid of them hurting me."

"You don't.." He stopped unsure of how to phrase his question.

"No, Harry and I stopped doing that when we broke up." I said earnestly, squeezing his hand.

"But didn't you.. Sleep over there with them?" He asked.

"Yeah on Wednesday but I slept in the same bad as Zayn. I promise." Hunter made a face.

"Zayn is also a good looking guy though." I started laughing. "I don't know if I should be jealous of him.. Or you."

"Hunter!" He just shrugged and I smiled, glad that he was so nonchalant about this. To be honest, Zayn was really hot now and if I wasn't infatuated with Harry, I'd probably have a crush on him. But my relationship with Zayn was purely platonic. He was a nice guy and very much like an older brother to me.

"Other than that.. I haven't had an anxiety or panic attack in the past nine months.. So I'm okay. Or I hope I am. I haven't visited a therapist in a while.. I convinced my parents to stop taking me to one after I came to college. I couldn't make them pay for that and this.. It was too much."

"Have you seen the counselors on campus?" I nodded my head slowly. My favorite was a woman named Diana. She was enthusiastic and had beautiful dark hair. She would sometimes murmur in Spanish during our meetings and then apologize for being rude seeing as I didn't understand what she was saying.

"Yeah, they're nice." He nodded his head.

"Well.. I'm glad to hear you're doing well." He paused. "Is that why you're going into music therapy?" He asked suddenly.

"A little bit. I love music number one.. Did I ever mention how I was in a band before with my ex Aaron?"

"Really?" I smiled.

"Yeah we have covers on my YouTube page. They're actually still pretty good I think. But.. Yeah I like music and I want to help people who have gone through a similar situation as me." Hunter smoked before kissing my forehead.

"You're an amazing girl." I smiled and was about to reply with thanks when he said,  "And I love you." I was already smiling at him and I couldn't stop, otherwise he might think somethings was wrong or that I didn't love him back. And I did. I did love him. Completely though? I wasn't sure.

"I love you too."