An Unexpected Seduction

A flurry of ponderings

Isabella did not venture down for dinner that night, deciding instead to ask one of the maids for a tray to be brought to her room. The thought of dining with Alexander so soon after the events that had transpired was more than she could bear. Her body alone would not allow it. A shiver ran through her in recollection of the pleasure that he had awoken in her. She had never known she was capable of feeling such abandonment and bliss under another's hands. Her thoughts were plagued by this man and the situation she now sound herself in. How on earth could she endure to live here and continue to teach Emma after everything that had just happened? Not only did his aunt despise her to the point that she was willing to plot against her, but she had also encumbered Alex's staff in her scheme. Isabella's once trusted lady's maid Lily was now cast out, likely without a reference to help her gain future employment. 

While Lily was not blameless, Isabella keenly felt the weight of her dismissal. Lady Russell seemed like the kind of person who would unwaveringly pursue her goals until they came to fruition. Thus, Isabella knew that she probably ordered Lily to carry out her bidding in a manner that was difficult to refuse. Lily's refusal would not have stopped her schemes either, Isabella instinctively knew, for she would have sought the help of other servants until someone conceded to her commands. If things had been different and she had never caught Alexander's eye, none of the events that had just passed would have occurred. Lady Russell would not be enraged with her nephew and Lily would still have employment in one of the finest estates in England.

Sighing she lay down on her bed wearily, her head sinking into the goose feather pillows underneath. Perhaps her rash decision to leave was in fact the right one after all. She could never be with Alexander in any true sense. His high noble position and standing in society meant that she would never be accepted by the ton, especially after being in his employ for nearly six months. While she had toyed with the notion of being his mistress, she knew in her heart that it would be but a half-life. The shame would likely be too much for her to bear and she would never be content as anything less than his wife. She loved him too much to be able to stand by and watch him marry another... to watch him marry Lady Worthington. Then there was Lady Russell... judging from her past behaviour, if her relationship with Alexander developed any further she would likely intervene again in an even more malicious way. Her eyes began to sting at that thought, before tears started to trickle down her face. 

The whole situation was hopeless she thought as barely concealed sobs began to emanate from her. It was then that her musings turned to Emma and she realised further the dreadful implications her leaving would have. She would no longer be able to see Emma every day, she would no longer get to her teach her and see her learn and flourish. A stifled cry emitted from her at that thought and she turned she head and pushed her face into a pillow to muffle her crying. Constancy was important in a child's life and Emma had already lost too many important people from hers. If Isabella went ahead with her decision to leave, she would be another person that this young girl would lose, she would be another inconstant figure. The thought sent a pang of pain to shoot through her heart and she cursed unrestrainedly at how cruel life could be.

Wiping away her tears she swallowed and it felt as though a lump was lodged in her throat. She moved to sit on the edge of the bed then, her ponderings returning to Emma once more. Alexander would likely find her another very suitable governess she mused, trying relieve her sorrow. Emma is a bright girl, she will no doubt thrive without my love and guidance she thought then. Moving to her wardrobe she began to take some dresses from the shelves before folding them neatly. Her body seeming to jump into action while her thoughts battled for dominance. Her aunt in Bath would likely take her in without much disease she began to think. Her mother had been staying with her since her acquittal of their home in London and she had been anxious in her past couple of letters that she should come and visit her soon. It seemed the sea air was agreeing with her mother immensely, or so she professed in her letters. Bath would be quite a change from the vast expanses of countryside here in Kent she mused. Perhaps in time she would find employment there and make it her home. 

At the prospect of having to find new employment her thoughts instantly moved to her father. She had been sending a substantial amount of her wages every month to pay off his debt. However the sum he owed was large and it would take many years for her to repay it. Losing her current earnings meant that she would be unable to continue to pay his debts until a new position could be found, and she was certain that any future work would pay a lot less than the generous wage she was currently earning. The whole situation weighed on her like a lead metal balloon. The prospect of staying seemed implausible, but her departure would bring sorrow and uncertainty.

Gathering some more of her belongings she placed them on top of her dressing table, before the prospect of packing all of her belongings became a chore that was too difficult to face at that moment. Thus she donned her nightdress and crawled into bed. She picked up her Shakespeare book from her bedside table then, with the intention of reading a couple of passages before sleep. This was a frequent routine she enjoyed before bed, however as she fingered the delicate pages she found that it held no appeal for her tonight. Leaving it back on the table she closed her eyes waiting for sleep to come. The last sound she heard was faint footfalls before her mind succumbed to sleep.

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