green light

t h r e e

now i wish 
i could freeze
the time at
s e v e n t e e n

t h r e e

I looked in the mirror one morning, and a hollow-eyed girl looked back at me. I didn't recognise her. I looked away.

I stopped looking in the mirror after that.

My only idea on what I must look like has to do with what people tell me, remarks like maroon looks good on you (Rosa) and your hair looks like a small woodland animal built a nest, gave birth and died in it (Danyal) and you're wasting away, you need to get a hold of yourself (Aaron).

I'm not sure if I care.

It scares me.

We are flipping through family photo albums, Rosa and I. Rosa is Aaron's cousin. She is the first bisexual person I've known, and I know that it isn't a big deal but I always thought it was before I realised that she is perfectly normal and her girlfriend is perfectly normal - no, her girlfriend is not normal, she is the sweetest person you'll ever meet but that's off topic - and I think, now, that it's brave of her to be so nonchalant about who she is, and I think she's a hero for inspiring other people to come out.

Rosa stops on one page, a faint smile on her chapped mouth.

"See this?" She points at a photo of her, Aaron, his sister Lida, and two boys I don't recognise. One has bronzed skin and black hair and wide, unassuming eyes; the other has fluffy blonde hair and at least six inches on everyone else in the picture.

"Lida had the hugest crush on this boy, Allen or Alex or something-" she points at the blonde boy "-while he had the hugest crush on Rohan here-" points at bronze boy "- who had the hugest crush on Aaron, who had the hugest crush on you."

I blink. The picture is from summer, when they spent a week in Brighton.

"Must have been an interesting week."

"You have no idea. Wish you'd been there."

I think about this, me and Brighton and beaches and holidays and no, no, I'm glad I wasn't there. I'm glad that no one was able to witness a strange girl slowly wasting away in a pretty dress and horrible hair and hollow eyes, no, I'm glad no one can see The Wasting Away of Soraya, no one but Aaron.

And it's odd, the way no one notices things. He's very good at noticing things, not just in me but in everything. I heard once that the human brain looks for patterns, but I think that part has gone dormant in everyone but him, because patterns are what make you notice. I think it's extraordinary.