The Hospital Room (Cashley & Jindy)

Chapter 13

AN:// The end for Jinxx as we know it.

~Jinxx's POV~

I think it had come to the point where I had accepted that maybe things weren't going to be okay, and they probably weren't. The amount of probabilities in this world were 1 to infinity. Nothing was for definite, and nothing was forever. But, if forever was used, forever always has an end, it will. I've accepted all of this.

Andy and I had said forever, but it wouldn't be, we weren't a forever. He hadn't come to visit, he was busy living his life and not just existing.

For me, I knew that I could die in peace knowing I'd really lived a day of my life and not just existed. And so far, that hadn't happened yet, so my death date was still a question of when and where and how. Not if, I knew it would happen. Maybe soon, weeks or days, maybe even minutes.

Andy had always talked about his band that he was going to have, he always talked of it, it would happen someday he would tell me. He was going to make it true, it would happen; he would put in the work and effort to get to that point. And I wanted to be able to have that strength in me to endure that, but, I knew I didn't have it in me. And you only get what you deserve, not what you need. Everyone knows that deep down.

But the only thing that slows anyone down is time. Time sucks everything away from you, everything is timed, every breathe takes a certain amount of time. Every second you sleep is a second wasted, because sleeping isn't living. It's existing silently in a state of unawareness, that nothing bad had ever happened and won't as far as you're concerned. Sleeping was an amazing thing, it's like being dead but not committing to actual death, because you're neither dead nor alive, but you don't have to feel, you don't have to think. Nothing. That's what you are; you're nothing when you're asleep.

I like to create so I can leave a piece of me behind in the world that I'm only existing in, and even then. I'm not even existing, I'm only breathing and wasting away inside a hospital when I could be outside, living and exploring, wandering and getting a taste of what it's like to be truly happy without the dragging weight of expectance and the fear of failure pulling you back from actually taking risks.

Taking risks is living, and maybe I want to live even though I'd rather be dead. But the thing is, I'd stand on the road and wait for a car to hit me, but they won't, because I'm standing and waiting. Death takes you by surprise so suddenly and then you're gone, just a memory that's fraying away at the edges.

Everything you ever were and had been is slipping away from peoples grasps, because suddenly they can't remember if you're favourite colour was the colour of the sky during sunset or if it was the colour of the sea deep down on a stormy day. They can't remember that outfit you always wore for that special occasion, all those habits you'd have that may or may not have been cute. They can't remember anything that can pull you apart from everything else that's ever died in the world, and then suddenly you just disappear and you're only a name among others that people won't know and don't want to know. They won't want to know all those special ticks, what you looked like, what song you'd listen to when you were happy and what song it would be if you were sad, lonely or even just alone. Because they don't care, and truly, no one really does care about anyone else apart from themselves.

Because at the end of the day, you're the only one that is still going to be with you when everyone else is gone, so it's up to you to keep your memory alive and leave things behind so people will remember you and you won't just be a name among names with empty stories that no one would care to hear.

Days passed by like seconds and before I knew it I was leaving the hospital. I felt numb to the world and I still wasn't exactly better but I'd been there too long and they needed me out. They knew I was lying but they needed me gone, so they let me free so I could be responsible for my own mental health.