Show Me How To Love You

Chapter One!

Spock hardly allowed time to be angry at himself before he made the proper arrangements. He moved McCoy to the middle of the bed, smoothing out the blankets so no trace of him was left. He gathered up his discarded clothes on the floor and ignored the disgust as he dressed himself with them. Then, ever so quiet, he left the doctor's room and made his way to his own quarters.

It started out last night as something simple. Spock was "pushed" into indulging in so much chocolate, while the others drowned themselves in alcohol. After grieving Jim's temporary death and difficult recovery, as well as the stress of dealing with Khan Noonien Singh, everyone seemed to want an output. It was also a sort of celebration for the new five year mission they had already embarked on. It took a lot of convincing before Spock started to partake in the activities, though.

When he arrived at the reserved observation deck the night before, everyone was already having fun. Nyota and Jim were playfully cursing at each other in different languages with different accents before Jim fell off his chair in laughter. He kept saying "Klingon with an Andorian accent? How, Uhura, how?!" Spock tried not to listen to his laughs, but it was very difficult to ignore. Chekov and Sulu tried to play some karate fighting, making vast chopping motions until people were hit in the face and they were forced to stop. Scotty and McCoy only ranted in each other in their respected Terran accents which eventually became difficult to listen to. All Spock wanted to do was relax.

And before they knew it, they got lost in the haze. Spock, however, remembered every detail.

McCoy couldn't decipher left from right, so Spock (the responsible, Good Samaritan) helped him along, even though he himself could barely walk in a straight line. It took what seemed like hours before they made it to McCoy's quarters, and everything changed. One thing led to another, and hands were raked through hair and pulling clothes off. McCoy was far gone, and Spock wasn't completely there, either. About half of the time, he thought that Nyota was the one that he was touching relentlessly. The room was left dark and they were on the floor for most of the activities. Spock would shudder to remember how dirty, sticky, and absolutely violent the sex was.

Spock was no Pon Farr ridden Vulcan before the time of Surak. He was of noble descent, a S'chn T'gai, son of Sarek, most studied hybrid child of the Federation for years. Yet he woke up in the same bed as a crotchety human male after a night deterred by chocolate and skin rubbing against sweating skin. It made him sick to think of it.

When Spock reached his quarters, he showered for twice as long as he usually did. Maybe three times, for extra cleansing. He did not worry about Jim walking in- on a normal schedule he wouldn't wake up for another hour. On account of last night, Spock wagered that the captain might just be late for alpha shift. Being his good First Officer, though, Spock decided that he would wake the captain up after he meditated for at least an hour.

After his shower, he lit some incense from New Vulcan and meditated. If he was being honest with himself, he felt emotions he didn't anticipate bubbling through his mind. He knew that expectations were unwise and illogical, but he could not help but to expect that his first time having coitus would be... different, to say the least. He expected a long, healthy relationship with Nyota before sex would come into the equation. They had even discussed it, Spock wanting to delay such actions and Nyota accepting his boundaries. But that is not what happened, and he felt a vast array of emotions because of that. He felt angry, sad, betrayed, and sick. Most of all, though, he felt guilty. Guilty for betraying Nyota in his time of weakness. He could not help regretting that it was not her that he accompanied last night.

The crew was nothing short of unpleasant throughout the beginning of the day (due to hangovers), but they all returned to their regular selves by dinner- with the exception of Spock, of course. He was getting his food with Nyota, busying his hands so that she wouldn't entwine her fingers with his. They had established public boundaries, so perhaps he was being too careful. He could not stand any affection from her, and felt guilty and angry about the night before.

Food in hands, they walked over to their regular table. McCoy was there, stabbing at a steak and salad, and Spock halted. He stood tensely still for approximately 3.68 seconds before Nyota pulled on his arm and he continued walking. He didn't feel the same when she touched him. Again, all affection was replaced with anger and guilt. He chided himself on how illogical he was being. There was no avoiding the confrontation between him and the doctor, and there was no avoiding Nyota. He would talk to her that night. About what, he was yet unsure.

They sat down, and Spock stayed silent as the others discussed the Enterprise's first task. It wasn't exciting, but it was something. They merely had to go to some nearby star system and update how things were progressing in the area. It wasn't even really a task, in Sulu's opinion.

"I mean, we should get into the nitty gritty of everything!" Sulu said with a smile, and was Chekov encouraged him with a smile. "We've had enough training by now. We should roll on over into some uncharted territory and lay down the law, you think?" Jim laughed and patted his back. Spock thought that if Sulu wanted to be in the "nitty gritty" so early on in the mission, then he was surely wanting a death wish (as some humans would say).

"If you're really hankerin' for that kinda thing," Spock swallowed and looked up to see McCoy with a small smile, looking over at Sulu. "Then you must really have a death wish." Spock ate at his salad as the others laughed. He couldn't help but think if he'd get the same reaction if he had been the one to say it.

"Hey Spock," Spock looked up, and Jim was smiling at him. "Did you have a good time last night? You've been pretty quiet today." He tensed up immediately, and he could tell that everyone had noticed, but no one said anything.

"I assure you, Captain, that I am only as quiet as I always have been." Spock said, and stood up. He looked at Nyota and said "Excuse me, but I seemed to have lost my appetite. I will see you tonight." He walked away without waiting for any response. He hoped that he did not do anything wrong.

"Spock, what's with you? Did something happen between us? Did I-"

"I can assure you, Nyota, that you have not done anything wrong." Spock clenched his hands behind his back. They were in Nyota's quarters, facing each other, the lights slightly dimmed.

"Then what, Spock? What happened? This isn't like you. Please." She was begging him, Spock decided. She wanted reassurance. She needed to know that it was not her fault.

"Nyota." Spock said firmly, stepping closer to her. She looked up at him defiantly, as strong a woman as she always was. "You are nothing short of the talented, strong woman that I have always known you to be." He voiced his thoughts. "However, I am the one at fault, for the ending of our relationship. It seems as though, after current events, I cannot yet handle an intimate relationship." She nodded. She nodded a lot, and Spock only watched her. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes, messing up her perfect makeup, but she wiped them away quickly.

"Okay." She said, still nodding. "I understand. I still want to be friends with you, but I need some time." It was Spock's turn to nod at that, and Nyota swallowed harshly. She gestured towards the door, and he took the cue to leave. He wanted to hesitate, or turn around, or say something like "I still deeply care for you," but he didn't. He didn't want to deepen her pain. So he left, and walked straight back to his quarters to meditate.