Anthology

Memories Influence Our Lives

To my dear friend Micael.

          In November of 2012, I lost one of my dearest childhood friends to a long battle against cancer. My friend whom I grew up with was my age at the time. I still remember when I got the news -I was coming out late from school at around 5:30 pm and my whole family was in the car when they came to pick me up. I could feel there was something wrong right away and as my mom said the words "passed away", I felt as if my whole world was crumbling. My friend. Suddenly, everything we had ever done together or the times we spent with each other came rushing back. All the memories -the laughs, the struggles, the projects done together at school- came to me and hit me as hard as a bullet.

           With tears streaming down my face, I denied believing what my mom had just said. He was only 14 and not a single day went by that I didn't think or pray for him. Unfortunately, he lived far, far away and I was not able to visit him before but I had always hoped that the day I came back to visit -when circumstances made it possible- I would see him. That I would be able to talk to him again, to hug him, to let him know how much I missed him and to be able to be around the joyful, humorous and lovely presence he'd always had.
             That week must have been the worst of my life. I couldn't keep the image of him going through so much pain, so much suffering with each treatment during chemotherapy out of my head. But I also remembered all the times he made me and all of our friends smile and laugh hysterically.He was a light in this world and that's how I always want to remember him, as that one person who was never in a bad mood -no matter what. He didn't deserve this. He deserved to get better, to be able to return to school, to see his friends, to play all the sports he wanted to play, to travel the world, to get married and have children and then tell his children and their children his story. He deserved the world to see how amazing he was.
              As of that day -November 22nd, 2012- my life changed. There was another side of life that I was starting to become aware of that I had never met before. I understood things better, I had more compassion. I understood that pain exists, pain is present and it should never be hidden. I understood that there are so many people in this world who have to live every single day with so much pain, so much nostalgia but not suffering. Because how do you cope after losing someone that has meant so much to you? How do you get used to the idea that they are not here anymore? You force yourself to get up, you put one foot in front of the other and you start walking. You cry, you curse, you break down but you also never lose faith. I understood that whenever we are faced with things that frustrate and sadden us, they always bring newfound clarity at the end of the day.

                Nearly 4 years after his passing, I am finally able to speak about him without breaking down in tears -while still having a great pain inside of me- but also with a recollection of wonderful memories flashing through my mind. Memories that I will never ever forget and don't want to let go of. Memories that are so special to me because that's the only thing I have left of him. My friend, my dear friend that I can't help but cry and smile at the same time whenever I think of him. He doesn't know this, but he is the only friend that has taught me so many lessons and touched my heart in so many amazing ways. Through him, I have been reminded once again that life is a wonderful gift that is worth fighting for but also, that sometimes we have to be brave and willing to let go of the life we have planned to live the one that is waiting for us. He taught me that no matter how tough this life is on us, we should never stop smiling because he never stopped and finally, that we should always have faith on a better tomorrow -even if it never comes- and always cherish the present but never, ever forget about the past.