The Banshee

The Talk

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'I want to give up, give in but I can't no matter how much I want to. I'm a fighter, a survivor and surrender is against my nature. Can I go against myself for something I want.'

*****entry 27*****

Dear Diary,
Another day of life. Another day and it still haven't gotten easier. The nightmares are still there, ever so persistent, they rob me of my breath, the ability to breathe or scream. Not that I want to scream my head off in the middle of the night when the nightmares are at work, that would a living nightmare for me in the day time, literary. My family's worry for me is ever present, they think I don't notice how they watches my every move or trying to always get me involve in something productive. I know that they are desperate to try and wake me up and helping me to get to person I was before my world crashed and burned six months ago. But the need to carry on the this existence behind the pretense of living was easier that having to come out from behind the pain and grief was too scary. The fake smile I wear on my face was proof of the wombs in my heart that are not healing but grow bigger and deeper with every passing day. But I couldn't let them heal even if I wanted to, they have become a part of me that I'm too afraid to let go.
The battle of turmoil inside of was so overwhelming at times that I consider letting the pain and grief to slip from my fingers. My head use logic to tell me its the right thing to do but my heart holds strong to the emotional belief that I wasn't entitled to the right to grief and recover and that I will never be entitled to that right. But I can't help but wonder if I'm not.

Aunt Cora's kitchen

"Esa, that's your favorite breakfast so can you at least try and eat more than two bites of it before you leave for school, I know you're barely eating your lunch at school." Aunt Cora said with her hands planned firmly on her hips. She was upset, it was clear. Her voice was its usual calm but the frown in her brows was the telling sign that she was close to exploding.

My cousin Dimitri started to eat his breakfast quickly, whilst ducking his head and sulking his shoulders. He was trying to make himself invisible as much as possible so Aunt Cora's anger won't return to him, he was the original cause of her anger for his earlier bad behavior. I don't blame him an upset Aunt Cora always made me uncomfortable and at a bad temper like this one the temperature in the room rises and the tension along with it. My stomach the traitor that it is growled its approval at the food I stuff down my face, agreeing with my Aunt.

Ughhh. I knew that look, it was coming. The moment I have been dreading but I knew it was coming and I couldn't continue running from it or her.

"Esa, I for one don't want to have this talk with you but it has come to my attention that we need to have this discussion. You're getting worst and I need to see some improvements in you or you're gonna have to see the psychiatrist." Fear skidded down my spine.

"I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm fine and I have been for the last month. I'm just taking my time before I start going out and being a happy teenager again." I lied, my voice cracking with desperation.

Aunt Cora sighed, rubbing between her eyes in exasperation.

"Dimitri, go up stairs, wash your hand, brush your teeth and be back down here in ten minutes time to catch your bus."

Dimitri got up quickly and complied after putting his dishes in the sink. He glance briefly at me as if the relay his best of luck to me before disappearing out the kitchen doors. We sat there in silence listening until he was all the way up the steps.

"Esa, as your aunt, your mother and father would never forgive me for letting reach to this point in your grief. The guilt is killing me and watching you live like this is killing me even more. I don't wanna hear your talk about how your gonna make a change or get better, I want to see the change and results with my own eyes. It's the results or the psychiatrist. Choose!"

I winced at the harshness of the truth. A part of me acknowledge it and accepts it but a part of me resented it with a deep passion that is on its way to a burning hatred.

"I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist." I pleaded feeling desperate. I needed something to use as leverage to help put me in the clear and ease the fear of my fast approaching nightmare.

The trip to the lake, I had an open invitation.

"I was actually wanting to talk to you about going on a weekend hiking trip with some of my friends from school." I muttered softly trying not to let me desperation show.

"A trip? To where? Who friends?" She asked suspiciously.

"A group of kids who i eat lunch with, they befriended me since my first day. To Hell Gates, my friends says it quite beautiful up there, and I wanted to see it for myself and maybe the open air would help me clear my head." I tried for a poor attempt at a reassuring smile but evidently failed miserably.
Aunt Cara watched me closely, her eyes judging my words silently. I did my best not to look guilt for partially lying to her. I had already turn down the others more than twice already but the other had make it clear that I'm still very welcome if I changed my mind.
She gave me that look that says that she didn't quite believe me but will give me the benefit of the doubt.
"Okay," she finally said, "I'll give you a month and the changes are not satisfactory by me by the end of that month then your seeing that psychiatrist with full cooperation. No debates and no excuses. Deal?"

Don't take the deal.

Take the deal.

The dilemma was making my head hurt and driving me crazy and I became overwhelmed by my indecision, knowing my options were limited and I had no choice.

I agreed shaking her hand and I felt like my world is slowly turning into motion and I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.

I just can't help but wonder how long it would be before I regret it.

"Don't forget you gave me your word and I'm going to hold it to you." She said holding my glance, I wanted to look away but I couldn't, pride and honor wouldn't let me.

"I won't."

"Good." A tender smile touch her lips but in her eyes I see a glint of mischief.

"As long as you promise to let me do it my way." I said pushing for a challenge.

Her smile didn't move but her eyes narrowed and she nodded her head.

"I want your word on it." I was relentless. But with my aunt I have to be.

"I promise. Now off to school and make safe choices but live a little, lil Essi." She ruffles my loose bouncy curls, like she was always did in a playful, caring manner.

I smiled as warmth enclosed me, hugging me close and love touch me with its light. I couldn't help it, I got to my feet and hugged her tight. Tears filling my eyes to the rim trying to consume me. It was the first time in the last six months that I've made any open advances to offer or receive comfort from anyone. I could feel my aunt's shock before she hugs me back, I hear her sniffed and knew she was trying not to cry. We stood there like that for almost five minutes, me enjoying how good it is to make physical comfort with someone who can return it. And my Aunt probably to afraid to let go of this rare moment.

"Crying females, great." Dimitri sneers from the kitchen door way and both Aunt Cora and I broke apart grabbing him and showers his face with kisses. He giggles while pretending he didn't like it and screaming with delight for us to stop. His brown eyes shining with water and his breaths are sharp gasps, his smooth cheeks puffed as he laughs aloud. The joy on his face made my heart squeeze with longing for when I would be able to smile like that again and be that happy again. But a part of me know it would never be the same.

"Come off to school the both of you. You, young man behave yourself and you keep your promise." Aunt Cora said.

We left and I made sure Dimitri got his bus before getting mines.

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