For Her

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I'm sitting in my room, listening to my music, writing this, and thinking of her.

The usual routine.

My thoughts always seem to be on her at the moment. It's been like this for a while now. And I know I keep talking about her but it's difficult to stop. I shouldn't talk about her; it's not right, it's not allowed. She's too old for me. She probably doesn't even like me. But I cannot help it. It's just so stressful. I can't even explain. 

I was looking at her today and my heart just jumped forward. She's so beautiful. So sophisticated. 

I can't tell her how I feel; I'll get in trouble, she'll get in trouble. But, you see, it's getting more and more difficult. I see her daily and I want, more than anything, to feel nothing when I see her but instead, I feel everything.

I use so much energy thinking about her, talking about her, crying over her, writing about her.

I want her. I need her. And I doubt she ever even thinks about me.

I read into everything too much. When she smiles at me, smirks at me. She doesn't care, and I know this. But it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do.

I've never wanted to kiss anyone more in my life. I've never wanted to hold anyone more in my life. 

I have a hope, a small one, that maybe she feels the same way and that maybe one day it will all come true.

I have it all planned out. Stupid plans, but plans all the same:

She'll ask to talk to me. I can't ask her because I need to know she feels the same. I'll say yes, of course. We'll go into a room, away from everyone else, to talk. I'm nervous, obviously, at this point. I'm hopeful, but it could go any way. She asks for my number and I give it to her. She says she'd love to keep in touch and I say that I would love it, too. She says she'd love to take me out sometime, she knows how much I love a drink. I'm smiling, she's smiling, it's going well. I say I have to go, I'm meeting my friends to walk home. She says goodbye and gives me that smile, that smirk. I melt inside and give her a wave as I leave.

I get home, I get a text. It's her; my heart skips a beat. It just says hi and states her name. God, this is exciting. Finally, it's happening. I say hi back and she asks if I'm free tomorrow night. I text back straight away and say that I am, I'll cancel any plans if not. I go to bed happier than I can explain.

It's Saturday, it's the day we're going out. I'm buzzing with nervous, excited energy. She texts me the time and place. The day drags on, my friends asking me why I'm so quiet yet looking so happy. I don't tell them; this is my secret for now. I'll give it time, see how it all works out. 

It's time. I get ready. I get there.

Oh my God, it's happening.

She gets out of her car as I get out of mine. She looks amazing, she always does. We meet in the middle of the small pub carpark. I think to myself that I should have offered to pick her up, but it's too late now.

We smile but have no idea what to say. She goes for hello, with the cutest nervous giggle I have ever heard. Again, I melt inside. I say hello back.

We get inside. We both order our drinks. The conversation is about anything and everything. We've known each other from faraway for four years, but now we're finally getting to know each other up close. 

I learn about her family. Her friends.

The things she doesn't tell me: that she gets slightly  embarrassed when she talks about her dad; her nose crinkles, she has a nervous laugh. That her eyes glow and she squints her eyes when she talks about something funny.

Hours pass, and as I look at her, I know I've never felt like this about anyone before and I never will again.

And that's the plan. And, oh, I would do anything to make it all come true.