The Tyme Wayster

"When I'm Licking Windows"

Jayne and Kyra had been walking the streets of Canterbury for almost two hours before they had to give in to the pain in their heels due to the abrasion of the stubborn leather backs against the white blistered skin. They dropped their bags of dresses, new shoes and perfumes down by the side of their chosen table in the roadside cafe that they had just fallen into and ordered two hot chocolates.
Kyra was still stunned by news that Jayne was contemplating a date with Darren Talbott. She knew of Daren and his egotistical outlook to life as she had also suffered an evening out with the '"self absorbed fucktard", after Jayne and Brad had set them both up on a blind date to help numb the agony from her split with her long time partner Nicko 'the Gypo', a name that stuck after he was done for using poor quality tarmac to re-surface peoples driveways, a mastic ashfelt that wouldn't harden or stick and also smelt strongly of dead fish. The conversational items of interest bounced from one side of the table to the other like a verbal game of ping pong, with eagerly delivered questions being hit back with excitable and well paced answers. But some of the questions fired over from Kyra's half of the table, began to be aimed lower than the metaphorical moral net and would ricochet back at Kyra with no retort from Jayne's direction. Kyra knew about Brad's selfish streak and how it was affecting their relationship, so the idea of Jayne letting her hair down with the possibility of pump and grinding with another man, quite appealed to her. It was just a shame that it happened to be with someone who matched Brad in all respects of 'assholeness'.
Kyra downed the dregs of her hot chocolate from the narrow base of the long, glass receptacle and then started to scrape the last of the cream out with the lengthy, small headed spoon that she picked up from the oval shaped saucer and looked across into Jayne's eyes with that ever burning question that falls from the tongues of ladies whenever they are gathered in numbers around bags of spontaneous consumerism and overpriced beverages.
"Jayne, have you ever done a green poo"?
"I beg your pardon"?
"A poo, you know, a captains log, a pony and trap, a steaming great shit, a......"
"Yes Kyra, I know what a poo is"!
"Well, have you"?
"Uh, not since I was six months old. No, why"?
Kyra leant forward across the table and checked sheepishly that no one was listening into their grotesque jabberings, then with her hand cupping her mouth, she whispered.
"Well, I did one this morning, and it was huge".
"Oh, for Christ's sake Kyra. No".
"Yeah, look".
Jayne's jaw dropped open as Kyra picked her phone up and started tapping at the screen.
"Oh my God Kyra, don't tell me you took a photo of the bloody thing".
"Sshhh! Look".
"Piss off. I do not want to look at your creature from the black latrine".
Kyra shuffled her chair in further under the table then leant across to Jayne once more. Jayne leant forward also and with both their noses almost touching, Kyra whispered........
"So do you want me to show you the very vivid pictures or to play you the high quality, full sound and vision two and a half minute long video that I shot"?
"Sick! Sick! Sick"!
"Or do you want to tell me what plans you have for Daren this evening? Your not out to shag him senseless, the underware you bought for tonight is way too sensible".
Jayne sat back in her seat, then taking in a deep breath she turned and signalled the waitress and ordered two cups of coffee. They waited for the dirty cups to be removed from the table before preparing for the next session of hushed dialogue. Jayne spoke.
"Okay. This is it. Remember all that excitement about that program Brad was working on last year"?
Kyra thought for a second before nodding her head in recollection.
"

Well, after all that time and effort that Brad had put into it Darren told him that the company had rejected it due to copyright issues. He told Brad to leave it with him and he would tackle the legal side of it. Brad handed over every copy and transcript that he made during its production. A few months went by before Brad chased it up and Darren told him that the whole lot had been lost in transit. Brad nearly cracked up at his stupidity and idle trust that he would put in people. Anyway, how's your work going? You've said that you've been busy lately".
  "Mmm. March to April is our busiest time of year".
  "But how do you survive selling stationary and office supplies to the NHS at such extortionate prices"?
  "The government contracts us. We sell things like those steel pencil sharpeners, you know the ones in Smiths that you can pick up for a couple of quid, well, we sell them for anything up to eighteen maybe twenty quid".
  "Its unbelievable. Why do they buy them"?
  "Its their choice. But at the end of every financial year, all the departments in these hospitals have to use p their budgets or they won't get that full amount the following year. And if there's nothing desperate that they need, then they just fill there baskets with tut like that. It soon adds up. The money coming in is unbelievable but of course the government take their cut".
The waitress arrived with the two coffees and placed them down upon the clay coasters with a 'chink'. Kyra picked up her cup and took a sip of the hot, steaming black fluid and grimaced at its taste.
"Euch! Why can't you go out anymore and get a real cup of coffee instead of this foreign muck"?
"Kyra, this is real coffee".
"No its not. This stuff is made from crushed beans or something. I mean 'real' coffee, you know, the stuff you can get in glass jars down at the corner shop on the shelves between the Pot Noodles and Happy Shopper tins of chicken curry. Remember"?
"How could I forget. Anyway, I found out earlier this year that Darren had sold the program to a company in Japan under another name with a few minor adjustments".
"Holy crap"!
"I believe that it was the likes of this and other dirty deeds of Darren that have turned Brad from that charming young man that I first met, into this arrogant tosser that I'm stuck with now. So, I've been working on a plan to do to Darren exactly what he's done to Brad. Fuck him right over"!
They both picked up their cups in synchronicity, sipped from them and placed them back on the saucers in silence.