Random Little Stories

I'm Sorry

(A/N: I clench my jaw as I felt the tears weld up. Don't cry, I tell myself. There are high school students around you that will think you're weird. No one sat next to me, but the binder and backpack on my lap didn't move off. I feel comfortable, small. They press my to the seat and I press myself to the window. My friend didn't come on the bus today, so I was happy and sad. Anyways, I was planning on cutting to try it out, I admit, but I'm not ready, so I planned to write it instead. Here we go, I guess.)

I ran off the bus when it was my stop and I slammed the front door closed, hearing all the other doors in the house rattle. My brother came out of his room and I glanced at him.

"What's your problem?" I ignored his question and went into the kitchen and pretended to look for food. He shrugged and went back to his room, probably to play on his tablet or game station. After a few seconds of hearing the door close, I grab a knife from the knife collection and walk quickly to my room.

Finally, I thought happily. I'll be able to understand her more. Then maybe, just maybe, she'll like me more. I stripped myself of my leather jacket and sat on the white sheets on my bed, holding the blade close to my heart, the heart that is racing in excitement and anticipation. I press the tip into my skin and wince, feeling the warm blood trickle down to seep into my maroon shirt. I slowly slid it across my chest, over my heart. The tears started flowing and I sniffed unattractively. I just tried to think of the pain as pleasure, which wasn't too hard. I was a masochist after all. It was an icy-hot feeling, and boy, do I love icy-hot. I shivered and made another cut, making an 'x' over my heart. I smiled weakly, but then thought of why I was doing this. Her. I know she wants better. The way she looks at our friends, with love and.. and something. It disgusts me. She doesn't want me! She's probably dating me out of pity and guilt. No one loves me. My dad, my brother, my friends, my girlfriend. They all think of me as a nuisance, a bother, a disgrace. I pressed the blade to my wrist and made a cut for every thought I had.

Ugly.

Fat.

Worthless.

Not good enough.

Unloved.

Lonely.

Weird.

By this time, my tears have slowed down. My vision is clearing.

Disgrace.

Nuisance.

A bother.

Selfish.

Trash.

Creepy.

Painful.

Now, there are dark blotches in my vision and I let the knife drop. With one large, painful, desperate breath, I scream her name. The last thought I had before everything disappeared was, "I'm not ready to die."

When I awoke, which surprised me greatly considering I almost died and I don't believe in 'Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,' I kept rolling my head around slowly, not ready to open my eyes. Suddenly, I felt the stinging pain of my chest and wrist and I gasped, sitting up quickly, only to lay back down because of dizziness and blurry vision. I groaned, wanting to end the pain I can't handle. Maybe since I can feel the pain, I'll be courageous to end it completely. As I sit up slowly, wincing a bit, the door opened. I tensed up, noticing my surroundings. Fuck, I'm at a hospital. No wonder it's cold and smells like depression. And the lights hurt my eyes. I notice the I.V. in my arm and the clip thing on my finger. And then the annoying sound of the pulse thing. It taunts me.

You're a coward. You didn't do it because you love them, even if they don't love you.

"Alayna!" I snapped out of my thoughts and stared at her beautiful face. It's her. Oh no, she's actually here. I looked at her with surprise and I checked what I was wearing. Great. A fucking hospital gown. I start to look around the bed for my clothes. Where are they!

"Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong? What are you looking for?" I stare into her eyes as she stood in front of me, showing concern and sadness, with a hint of disappointment. I started to tear up. I caused that expression! I started sobbing and she pushed me carefully back to the bed, cooing softly.

"Wh-why- are you he-here?" I hiccupped out, clinging onto her sleeve.

"Because I was worried and I love you. I love you so much. Why did you do this to yourself?" She slid into the bed next to me and I leaned all my weight on her, even if I was crushing her. She wrapped protective and comforting warm arms around me and I sighed, the tears slowing. I felt her shaking after I relaxed and I heard her sniff. I knew what was happening, but I didn't know what to do, so I laid there.

"I don't feel like talking about it right now..." I started thinking of the thoughts when I was cutting. "I-I'm sorry I made you worry, a-and for making you more stressed and u-um, for making you waste precious time on m-me." She shushed me and I followed her command. After a while of comfortingly stroking my hair, I fell into a deep and much needed sleep.

A month later and I'm back at school. Her and I were holding hands the day before at the park in front of the hospital, smiling. I was so happy. For the first few days, I was in denial. I thought no one cared, but then they started visiting me frequently. My friends sneaking in food better than this awful hospital food, getting me things I could use for cosplay. My dad coming in right after work, sometimes still in his uniform, and telling me not to feel guilty about the medical bill. He says he can handle it, but I still feel bad about my selfish actions. My brother actually comes and visits me more than my friends and I was happy we got closer. He sometimes brings his tablet so we can watch anime together. Since my mom lived in a different state and had work, she just called me once a day. It wasn't much, but it helped a lot. All was well until I was notified I'll be out in a few days. I pouted so much, not even she can kiss it off sometimes. I really didn't want to go back to school, but we had an important test to take, so I just dealt with it.

I took my phone out and played the song she showed me a week ago. 'Ugly' by Nicole Dollganger. We both looked at each other and grinned.

I regret ever doing what I did. I've learned my lesson, paid the price, whatever. I'm just glad she is happy.

(A/N: This story isn't suppose to encourage people to hurt themselves for attention, no. I'm just trying to say that you may feel lonely, that you are unloved or even hated by everyone, but you may be wrong. There will always be someone there to listen, whether it's a lover, family, friend, even a counselor, teacher, a fellow student. If you really don't have anyone, that you are isolated from the world, call a suicide line or something. This story is like a Salad Fingers conspiracy theory, at first, I didn't really have a reason for this story only to let off some steam, but then I started writing to send a message. It isn't much, but I hope I help someone. Good morning/afternoon/evening my Smutlings.)