Setting your soul free

My Feelings

In my childhood, I was a lonely child. Even though I had my siblings, but they were teenagers and we didn't get along that much, because I was a kid and well they were starting to figure themselves out. It was hard. Very hard. No friends plus being a laughing stock was taking a toll on me. But even through all that I was positive. Still am. Sure sometimes I  used to go to my mom so I could cry, but I was still not understanding why everyone was being mean to me. During middle school, I learned how to keep my emotions at bay. I would keep them locked up inside till I went to sleep, and that's when i would cry myself into exhaustion. It was a feeling that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, because you would feel as if your soul was being sucked into a dark hole. While all that's around you was people's awful words mixed with your own hate towards yourself plus the feeling of insecurity and your lack of confidence. In high-school, it was the same except worse especially when I thought these were my true friends but I ended up being betrayed. All the overwhelming emotions were making me suffer. They were sucking my positive energy, replacing it with hate and bitterness. Fortunately I didn't give in. I kept fighting. Some days weren't so bad as i would have half the positvity that I had. Other days i would hold onto a single thin thread of positivity, just so I don't go falling into a dark abyss filled with hate and self-resentment. I remember always looking at myself in the mirror with a look filed of pure hatred and disgust. Ashamed of how I am. Saying things that I would never say to a person, because I know that it will hurt them.

I just turned 18 when I thought of stopping the hate that I had towards myself. I was slowly starting to accept myself as who I am and wanting to be better. It was an amazing feeling. Even though when I looked in the mirror I didn't quite like what I saw, I would think that; I'm gonna get better. I'm going to lose weight, I'm gonna love myself. The problem that I finally figured out was that I didn't want to lose weight. That was why I never completed my diet or exercise. Over the years I tried everything, but I always seemed to stop.

Finally after 18 years of self-loath, I was extremely and genuinely happy. I love how I am, and I am proud to be this way. Because this is me! This is how I am. To become better doesn't mean to lose weight. No, not at all. The first step to becoming better is loving yourself truly. Loving everything about you. Loving yourself inside and out. It isn't a quick process. It takes time to heal your heart. But with every step of the way you become better. Also my family were a huge part of my healing . Their comforting words and trust helped me, plus their words of praise towards me. Complementing yourself is not a bad thing. It actually lifts your spirits and puts a smile on your face. You're pretty, smart, sexy, incredible, awesome, funny, have a beautiful smile which should always be shining! These words of praise that YOU tell yourself affect you way more that when someone says them to you. 

There is nothing wrong with being fat. It is absolutely normal. If anyone says you'll get sick and have blood pressure, diabetes, whatever it is, don't listen to them. Because if God said that you'll have a disease or anything of that sort, you'll have it whether you're healthy and exercise daily or even if you're obese. You cannot control you fate whatever it may be. So live your life as the way you are! Don't let anyone stop you. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. But also, everyone has a special unique kind of beauty of their own. Believe in yourself. Walk into a room thinking not about if they like you or not, but think that you will not care either way. Hold your head up high, your shoulders and back straight with a killer smile, and head straight to your dreams. Smiling enhances your beauty and makes your eyes sparkle. Don't let anyone take that sparkle away from you.

Keep in mind this doesn't mean that exercising is not important, because it helps regulate the blood flow and control your cholesterol, blood pressure, and how your liver produces insulin and sugar. What's more important is that you're comfortable while doing it, and that you're exercising to become healthier, not skinnier.

Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Exercise for yourself and for your health, not for someone's pleasure. 

My advice to you, that I learned from everything I went through. Don't pent up your feelings. Say what's on your mind, what's bothering you. Say if it hurts. Don't think that no one cares about you. Say your feelings and thoughts to someone you trust. If you don't have someone to share your thoughts too, write them. You don't have to share them. Just don't let them stay locked up. If it helps, learn how to box. Boxing really helped me with anything that i had anger towards. Imagine the thing or person that you're angry at and let out all your frustration on the punching bag. There are a lot of ways to let go of what's bothering you. Let them out. Feel happy and free. It feels so good to let everything out, whether by crying, shouting, writing, painting, drawing, punching ( the punching bag of course) or even just talking. Set your soul free.