The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 7

Why didn't I expect it sooner. Coming around at the worst time. Being there at the best time. Taking me to all these places and asking me personally questions. It was all riding up to this moment.
"Ryan you know this is me manipulating you? This is how it normally starts."
I'm such an idiot.
"Go home. Stop trying to stick around and go home." I turn and head up the last two steps. Josh's hands clench my wrist.
"Wait let me finish explaining" he begs, "there's a lot more to it that you don't know. Just let me explain." We both see Deren's car lights. "I only need five minutes of your time before you start acting like I'm dead to you."
"Please go away," I whimper out. I snatch my hand away, unlock the front door and run up to my dungeon.
Hopefully no one noticed that and Josh says nothing. I can't find myself to hate him. It's my fault for having my expectations too high. Keep them low and you won't get hurt.
Over the music I could hear someone say, "Um Ryan, your friend or boyfriend dropped these off for you. He said you forgot them in the car." I peak the door open. It's only Deren. I opened it wider and grab two of the red spider lily plants.
"We aren't friends either."
"You look upset. Should I get your mother." I nod no and put my plants near the windowsill. Deren was still holding plants I didn't buy.
"Those aren't mine. Throw them out." I don't mean to be rude to him.
He steps inside my room and says, "No one gives a girl flowers unless she's dead or on Valentine's Day. You must mean something to him."
"Yeah well I doubt it. Just leave them on the floor and get out."
    And so he does. I don't want a conversation with anyone. I was dumb to the bone for thinking I could mean something to him. He has thousands of girlfriends I don't matter to him. And maybe just no one.
I didn't need a voice to tell me mom was at the door. I open it and she's holding my phone in her hand. By the looks of it someone was waiting for me. I mouth silent "don't answer my phone." She nods.
"Hello" I say. I'm not used to calls.
"Hey Ryan it's Ash. We went to the movies together that one time with the kids and Josh. He gave me your number."
I silently curse in my mind. "So what do you want?"
She stutters on it and ask nervous as if we're speaking face to face. "Do you remember that interview you was-"
"Sorry to interrupt" I begin and sneeze four or three times. "The Fault In Our Minds project. I'm still doing that if you're up for an interview."
   I had to go on and explain what it was exactly. Along with the fact I might post it to a website I should be working on. She still agrees and we make plans for Monday after work. I wanted to get excited but this could be a prank. No one is worthy of trust. At least not mine.

I'm late for U.S History. Only ten minutes late. But from what was happening nothing serious was going on. Josh updated me on why we wasn't learning about Korean War. Apparently Friday there was a fight no knew much about but the whole class was going to suffer. To top off this bundle of joy parent teacher conference was November 20th and 21th. I don't speak to Josh but I do groan in misery of my attendance.
Our U.S History teacher Mr. Issac gives us a lecture about how he could get fired for just wanting us to have fun in this class. A dean comes in and they talk about all the things they'd mention at assemblies.
   At the end the dean said, "If you know anything about someone self harming or any type if activity that could get them hurt talk to me after class."

And the bell rung. I wait for Josh to come out the classroom. He makes himself last so I could wait. He finally walks out. The dean goes the opposite way. "Whatever you think I told him I didn't" he says almost immediately.
"How can I believe that?"
"Because he'd pull you away from me almost immediately. Since we're talking can I have five minutes of your time."
"I won't even give you another thirty seconds."
   I go to all my classes. Makes no sense not to. I only have sixth periods. I return the books in the library and look for some to check out. I haven't ran into Josh so far so good. A part of me wanted to speak to him; the other part thinks he doesn't deserve the conversation. What to do with him or myself? I'll never know.

The comic book shop could have been the best part of my day. My boss wasn't here but the assistant manager. He forced me to unpack and clean. Not that it was a problem he was totally on my back about everything. Almost in a creepy way. That wasn't the part that made my day worse. It should have but Dipper and Mabel came in. They was only visiting but it was still nice they came by for me. Their visit made the day better.

Ash was waiting for me outside of the comic book shop. She told me name was short for Ashley but anyone could figure that out.
She asks, "My house or your house?" in the same innocent tone. I think she's an innocent girl. Of course that way of thinking wouldn't last.
"Your house. I brought the camera and stuff. Are you sure you're okay me uploading it online? I didn't do this for Josh so you can say no."
"No no I don't mind if you upload it. What was Josh's about?"
Oh no. I hope she doesn't or Josh doesn't think I plan to share his. "I can't share Josh's. It's kind of like a therapist. He asked me not to."
    She agrees without a protest and we take the bus to her house. She lives in a quiet neighborhood with smalls yards and big houses. Her dog runs around me and claws at my leg. He's pretty obedient. When I had a dog it could never sit down or roll over. We walk up to her room and she shuts the door. It was the opposite of what I had plan for me. She had all the pop artist on her wall.
"Sorry. It might be awkward but you'll get used to it." I brush it off and start setting up. She tries to help but it wasn't much to set up for.
"Are you ready?" I ask holding a notebook. The notebook was for show but there was some questions written down in it. She nods and I turn the camera on.
"What is your fault?"
    She exhales. Her chest sinking made me think it was something dark. "My fault is... I'm a compulsive liar. I just keep lying and lying about every little thing. This is the first time I've ever been so honest."
"What do you lie about? Or what do you like to lie about?"
She laughs and rolls her eyes. "It's not about what I lie about. It's who I lie to. Whether it's my teacher or my mom. Friend or librarian. I can't help it. I always end up lying."
This is hard for me to believe. She looks so innocent and acts like it too. Looks are deceiving.
"I use my innocent actions and tones to help. No one would think I'm a compulsive liar. To be one you have to make it seem like you're bad at lying."
Looks like I fail that test.
"When I lie" Ash pauses and I bit my pen. "When I lie it's a rush of adrenaline. I played them and they don't even know it."
"Have you hurt anyone because of your lying? If so did you care?"
   We share a moment of silence and I get up and grab the water bottles. I hand her some and she finishes it immediately.
"Ready to continue?" I ask and she nods.
"A lot of people think I won't make it for. Maybe hit up in the back of car. Lying is what gets me far. I lie and it hurts people. It hurts my mom. It breaks her heart. And everyone should know that if you break someone else's heart you break your heart too."
Time for this to end. I'm sure she had more and in fact I'd interview her again if she wanted it.
I stand up. "Thank you for allowing me to do this." I bow at the end of my sentence. I liked to bow after this. It was an honor to do this. I pack up my camera.
"So how did I do? And can we do this again?"
    Speaking wasn't in my favor. Not when I had to process her last sentence. Since when did it work like that? I thought only one person suffers. Since when did it become you break your heart? I've never been in enough friendships for this. Or anything for this.
"Don't worry you won't have to take the bus. I got a cab for you."
"Oh thanks Ash." She's acting odd. I step outside and catch the familiar car immediately. "Sorry Ryan but Josh wants to speak to you."
I walk to the bus stop. I want to hear what he has to say but I'm not. I'm going to ignore him for the rest of year. For each time I see him.
"Ryan I can explain everything in five minutes but being stubborn isn't helping me. I got you chicken tenders."
"I'm not hungry." My stomach says otherwise. Josh pulls me back to his car. He opens the door for me. I sit down. Josh doesn't start the engine.
"I'm not purposely manipulating you. I like you as a friend or I wouldn't have made you throw up all those pills."
"Four minutes" I say tapping my watch.

"I wouldn't have told anyone I was manipulating them. All I said this is how it starts. You're different from anyone else I've manipulated." I tap my watch and hold up two fingers. "Ryan I would have treated you like everyone else I've done this to. I could have ratted you out to the dean; you'd be right back in a mental hospital. Obviously I care more than you think."
   Undeniably true. I eat the chicken tenders. Delicious as always. Josh keeps continuing but I'm more interested in food than words. Sometimes food says something more than words. I can accept his apology.
"You're not even listening" he whispers.
"Chicken tenders represent our friendship. Have one?"
"Thank you for listening to me."