Ella's Secrets

Entry 15 (Failure)

Dear Asher!

I am at my lowest point right now. I do not function anymore. I don't enjoy eating any meals. I can't sleep properly. I don't care for anything these days. And I certainly don't enjoy life itself anymore. The only thing I can is cry until there is nothing left in me. Cry myself to sleep every night.

I hate myself for the person I became. I managed to fail every single person around me. I failed to make my family happy. I failed to keep my friends around me. I failed to love someone who would literally give up life itself for me.

I wish I could just apologise for all the horrible things I said or did, apologise for all my actions I did and didn't do. But I can't because of my stupid pride. It's the only thing that gives me strength to keep going. I would fall apart without it. I would go insane.

Slowly bit surely I can feel my wall of pride crumbling down and let the insanity come through. The insanity is taking over me. I am not feeling like myself lately. I feel like I'm losing myself...

Even if I did apologise to all the people I hurt it still wouldn't be enough to feel less guilty of all the things I did or said. It's all in vain. Nothing can be changed.

I am a lost case.

The couple of days I just wished I was never born. Just because of me everybody suffers around me and that breaks me apart.

I hate myself with every single fiber in my body. There is nothing left in me which makes me happy to be alive.

All of my family members (all 10 of them) are either ignoring eachother the best they can or they do not talk to eachother at all. I never grew up with any family members around. I grew up being alone. I grew up to be a bitter, impatient, unworthy and irrelevant person.

It's nobody's fault but mine.

There are so many things I wish I could change. So many. Maybe I can be a better person in another life...

I neither have the energy nor am I in the mood to joke around about your name Ash. I'm sorry. I even failed you and you aren't even a person...

Goodbye Ash.