Ella's Secrets

Entry 36 (Weeping Willow)

Dear Asher!

Let me tell you something my dear friend, life is very strange. It doesn't give a shit about your status in life, your religion, your age or your race. It fucks everyone over sometimes. Some people more than others but still and honestly that's the beauty of living. This exact journey is what differentiates us from a dead person. It isn't the fact that we breath or our heart is still beating etc. it's the fact that every day we experience different things in life sometimes good or bad stuff, maybe even both in one day, but we still can feel or enjoy the moment of that. A dead person can't have that anymore.

Imagine waking up in the morning and noticing you don't have any milk left for your cereal. What do you do? That's right you go buy some. You open your door and the first thing you notice on that particular sunny and hot morning is the fresh and mildly chilly breeze brushing on your skin, without noticing you automatically close your eyes to enjoy that very moment. Can you smell the air in your nose? Can you feel the wind in your hair? Can you feel the sun on your rather sleepy body? Asher, can you imagine that exact moment?

On your way back home from grocery shopping you are so caught up listening to your favourite song that you don't notice a car quickly approaching you on the pedestrian crosswalk. The driver honks multiple times to warn you and you suddenly hear that loud screeching noise and instinctively safe yourself of being severely injured. You stand there on the sidewalk feeling your heart beating loudly against your chest, your mouth open to desperately give your lungs some oxygen and the adrenaline rushing in your blood. Can you imagine the sweat forming on your forehead?

Those were just a few examples of feelings you get in a day. I won't start describing the feeling you get when your crush texts you or whenever you see him or her, your heart skips a beat. I also won't describe the feeling you get when you get fired or you lost your phone/wallet/keys etc. -that drop you feel in your stomach.

What I wanted to demonstrate here is that with every good or bad thing we do we feel something regardless if we notice it or not.

Recently I told you about cherry blossom guy right? Well he fucked up big time Asher. I won't tell you much about what he did exactly but he gave me the feeling of being a lovesick idiot. He kind of promised to text me the following day when I texted him, because I missed him, saying he can't talk right now he'll text me tomorrow which never happened not even a week later which is today. The next day where I patiently waited the whole day getting a text from him I couldn't sleep very well because I got worried. I have many thoughts running through my head regarding this situation. I know most of them are ridiculous but some of them are very plausible. The reason why I don't text him simply asking him what's wrong is because he never really answers the question honestly anyways and because I don't want to appear clingy like some crazy girlfriend which I am not (the girlfriend part of course). We aren't in an exclusive relationship so it shouldn't really matter to me but it really does because you don't suddenly stop interacting with somebody where you both clearly have a good time with each other. If he has any kind of problem with me or if he lost interest in me or anything else he can text, talk or meet me. I don't understand it. He can even text me saying I should fuck myself and leave him the fuck alone reasoning why and I would gladly do that because then I have a reason and closure. I can't stop thinking about him and our stupid situation which I am sure he has an understandable reason for but communication is important. I really like this guy and want to mend things so we can go back how we were but slowly I am getting tired of waiting and standing in the dark.

If I could describe how I feel right now it would be like a weeping willow. I am living but something keeps dragging me down. Funny thing is that I always loved weeping willows. I love how they differ from other trees. I love the feeling they give me when I sit under one. It's like they are constantly sad but when you sit under them they will tell you their story why. For me they are as magical and mysterious just like love.

After all of these feelings I got through today I am still alive regardless of how terrible or wonderful they were.

Love you Ashy​. Until next time! x