Finding Seventeen (On Hold)

Expect the Unexpected

When we arrived at the beach, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. The trip hadn't been a long one.  I could imagine the days of laying on the beach, playing volleyball and just hanging out. We used to spend a lot of time in Gulfport. We'd drive down Highway 90 with the top down on Ryder's silver convertible Mustang. He'd worked two summers for that car. I could imagine the music we'd listen to and the feeling we had as we laughed, mostly about nothing at all. Our hair would blow in the wind as we flew down the highway. We spent many of days on that highway. Sometimes Ryder would let us drive, but mostly Dallas and I rode in the back and just enjoyed the time we had together. We just enjoyed life. After Dallas died, I used to wish for one more ride down that highway.

I barely remember the days of truly loving life. There was always something in the back of my mind always holding me back from being truly happy. It wasn't always Dallas, sometimes it was my mom, sometimes it was just the guilt I felt for leaving my brother.  Even though I had many roots to my problems, it was me who kept me from really being happy. Other people have messed up lives, but go on to leave happy, normal lives.

As I sat and looked out the window thinking, I was startled by Hudson opening the passenger side door. I jutted my head in his direction and held his hand out to me.

"You okay, you jumped a little."  He looked with concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine, just thinking, always thinking." 

He nodded his head and I grabbed his hand. He shut the door behind. I was surprised when he let go of my hand, especially after being all over each other not too long ago. At first we walked side by side, not saying a word.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I was out of control."

"Nothing to be sorry about,  we were both out of control."

"Jules you make me crazy."

"I'm not trying to."

"You don't have to do anything. I haven't felt this way in a while."

"How come you never got married?" The questions was out of nowhere and it seemed to surprise Hudson.

His head quickly turned to me. He looked a little confused, then sad for some reason. He turned his head back away from me. "I was married."

"I didn't  know you were married. Why didn't I know that."

He stopped walking and shrugged his shoulders. " I thought you knew I married Alley Fintch."

"Didn't Alley Fintch die." As soon as those words left my mouth, I thought about how insensitive my words sounded. "I'm sorry that came out wrong."

"We were married a year when she found out she had a brain tumor. It was too far gone by that point. Six months later she was gone. Four years ago, when she died I came back home."

He started walking again. In that moment, I realized how little I really knew about Hudson. I didn't know anything about him other than what I'd known about him in high school.  I had not bothered to learn about him since I got back into town. As we walked, I began to think about how Hudson had tried to find out more about my life, yet I hadn't tried to make the same attempt.

"Hudson..."

He continued to walk and look ahead. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about Alley"

He nodded his head. I could tell he was looking back, that he was sad. "Me too, we never really had a chance. I loved her so much. She was my perfect person."

I grazed my hand down the back of his arm. I wasn't sure it was okay touch him in that moment. I wasn't sure what was really okay anymore. All I knew was that I wanted to comfort him. When my hand reached his wrist, I pulled away, but before I knew it he was grabbing my hand.