My Bio/ Life Stories

Not Getting To Say Goodbye

Ok.......fuck....... I am going to do my absolute best to not cry while writing this. 

Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I live with my mom, and my mom and I lived with my grandmother, I have lived with my mom and grandmother my whole life, and that was all I had ever known, until August 16, 2016.

I woke up, around 8 in the morning, which was when I had been waking up all summer, I was just sitting on my bed minding my own business when I heard a knock on the door, I went to open it and was greeted by my grandmothers friend from church. Now I did not know this lady personally but I had seen her around.

 She said she was here to take my grandmother to her radiation appointment, her first radiation appointment .

My grandmother had been diagnosed with Non- Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and for those of who are not that familiar with the types of cancer, this type of cancer is basically the easiest, safest cancer there is, it has the lowest death rate, the doctors said if you were to get cancer, that this was the one to get. So no one was worried.

Well when my grandmothers friend knocked on the door and I opened it. My mom came up behind me and told her to come on in, she did, and I went to get my grandmother and tell her that her friend was here. So I walked over to her door and opened it.

"Hey Grana?"

No response, maybe she is in the bathroom. I walk into her room a little and peek in the bathroom, and I see her legs. Just her legs. It looked like she was leaning against the wall. I turned to my mom, and gave her a scared, worried look. I

I knew something was wrong. 

My mom rushed in and ran into her bathroom, calling her name. She told me to call 911. I ran out of the house and called 911. All while my grandmother's friend was standing in my living room, I could hear my mom's screams from where I was standing in the front yard, the 911 operator asked for my address, then told me to put my mom on the phone, I ran inside and through my grandmother's room, and handed my mom my phone, while trying my best not to look at my grandmother's body. But it was inevitable, I saw her head, basically dangling from her body. My mom told me to go to my neighbors house. I ran over there and rang the doorbell, I was sooner or later let in.

 She asked me what was wrong, and after I was finally able to explain and she understood what was happening, she went over to my house to talk to my mom, she soon came back, and told me, that she was gone.

On that day nothing made sense, on that day I gained a memory that I wish never existed, on that day I lost a woman who meant the fucking world to me, who raised me, who took care of me. And ever since that day, nothing makes sense, the simplest things are harder. And it still doesn't feel real. 

All I have left of my grandmother are her jacket, a small thing of her ashes, and my cat, the cat she gave to me as a gift.

My life will never ever be the same. I don't know how long I will cry every night when I am alone. 

But what I do know is that I regret not getting to say I Love You for the last time, not getting to hug her one last time, and not getting to say goodbye.