Life in My Shoes

Their are so many people who have a battle with depression and most of the times they never win. Depression is different for many people although it always revolves around being sad and feeling worthless it's much more than that. To me it feels like I'm trapped in a corner and I can't get out, I'm surrounded by my thoughts and there's no escape from this corner. I'm not sure how much I can take but I continue with my life and with all these thoughts knowing if I do something about it, it will make things so much worse. I stay in my room all day sleeping till it gets dark and never eat when I am mad, sad, or confused. honestly I don't do a lot of things when I'm feeling a certain emotion. It feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives while I am stuck in a hole that I can't climb out of. I've had enough of the things that make me nervous and sad. I feel completely worthless every day. Am I a bad person for wanting to die? Honestly I just want to listen to sad music in my room all day. Its like every time I am getting ready for bed my brain tells me "let's go over every mistake you have ever made". People ask me how I am and I always say two words "I'M FINE" The truth is I'm a son hiding my depression, I'm your brother making a good impression, I'm a friend acting like I'm fine, I'm a teenager pushing his tears aside, I'm the guy sitting next to you, I'm the one asking you to care, I'm your best friend hoping you will be there.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me, and i get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt, and once again, I feel numb to the world. My friend told me something and they said they wrote it about me it said "He says he's fine, but he's going insane, He says he feels good, but he's in a lot of pain, He says it's nothing, but it's really a lot, He says he's ok, but really he's not". When I heard him say this to me I didn't know what to think. I broke down crying and I started to tell him what was happening I have never just talked to someone about it. There are only two people I talk to, my therapist and my friend/sister. honestly life does have a lot of bad times but their are good days too. my mind focuses mostly on the bad days and I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong and everything. People say words don't hurt but if you think about it what is the reason for suicide? the reason people kill themselves is because they feel like they are worthless or they feel like they shouldn't be alive anymore. once in everybody's lives they get bullied and that is another cause for depression that leads into suicidal thoughts.

Depression is when it hurts to smile, hurts to laugh, hurts to breath, everything you do hurts, and there is no getting away from it. No one understands what you're feeling. You're silent. But in reality you are screaming for help and no one can save you. You're on your own from now on. Everything you do leaves you tired. Things you used to enjoy, they don't bring any comfort to you. The only thing that might bring relief is the feeling of the cold blade. The taste of alcohol, the smell of drugs. People will try to take those things away from you, but you don't let them. They don't understand what it's like living with depression. It's your throat tightening up with every sob as you cry making it harder and harder to breathe. It's hoping that every night you don't wake up, that maybe the pain will finally stop, even though you know it won't. It's always lying when someone asks you, "How're you?" It's always feeling tired, even if you sleep for ten hours. It's feeling so weak, every muscle in your body aching. Depression is all of those things and so much more. It's unexplainable. Only you know what your depression feels like. You know how horrible it is. You know it feels like it'll never end. There is no point of treating a depressed person as if they were just feeling sad.

There's no point of treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad.