Diary Of A Loner

This day

 Each and every day that I come home I regret it. 

Nothing ever changes in this house and nothing will ever change. The number of people may increase but the heartache in my chest will never go away it only increases day by day.

But why? Why does this keep happening?

It's so repetitive and there's nothing I can do to change it but I don't have the will nor the courage to do it. 

I hate pain and emotional pain is the worst since it will never go away. My tears fall and I don't stop them from flowing from my eyes, there's no reason to stop them but I will never let them fall in front of them because they are the main reason for this pain they have caused me.

I wish they would learn their mistakes, they ask and I do not tell. What I have always wanted was to be happy, to be myself and be accepted for who I am, for others to understand me but I know that will never come to pass so I prefer to be alone than to suffer being around others who will only bring me more pain.

I wish for this to end but do not have the courage to go through with the action that will end my life and free me from my suffering, but these thoughts come to mind

What lies beyond death?

Does heaven actually exist? and if so would I be able to enter if I ended the life that I was given and granted?

But at this moment all I feel is pain a pain that weakens and destroys me from the inside and I wish for it to all end.

My tears fall, my throat aches and my breathing becomes labored, the cries and the ache in my chest I hide it well inside my heart but no matter what I do it hurts.

What should I do?

I wish people would understand me  but I fear the reactions of those closest to me at discovering who I really am.

What do you wish for?

what should I do? What should I wish for?

I have wished for so long for something different but it is a wish that will never come true, I do not want to make it happen, because I made it so I want for those people to realize but I know they will never realize what I have desperately been yearning for, throughout all these years. Since I know them too well that by now what I have wished for will never come true unless I myself do something about it. But it is impossible for me to do it, I have no will nor the courage for it.

I am the damsel in distress waiting for her prince charming that will never show up, I have already realized who I am in that aspect, I am too cowardly to make the first move, to extend my hand to others and change myself for the better. I wait in sadness and silence as I wait for those that will help me for the better, that will change my fate.

Fate is something that will never change, no matter what actions are taken the ending of each of our fate is the same as we will get to the same ending waiting for us at the end of our journey. And as I sit here I wonder about my future and the actions that I will take as every single action or thought changes the way our road will go. I easily change my mind and that's why I wonder what will happen tomorrow or the days that follow after it. 

But I have learned from a young age that the place where I continuously live and the people whom I live with will never change no matter what. Unless someone else intervenes it will not change. Problems arise with every time we encounter each other and the hate, the yelling and everything that follows only brings me more pain, I know that I am selfish as I only think about myself but I am no mind reader that is able to know what the others think but all the negativity and the hurtful actions towards me bring nothing but grief. 

 And this grief is something that makes me wish for my end. It only helps push my thoughts towards death.

Should I end it?

Or 

Should I remain and continue to suffer?

I don't like pain and especially this type of pain so the answer should be simple right?

But it pains me to leave them but...... I have already given up, I see no point in continuing this life that I was given, so I guess this is it, for me......but I know myself to well to even begin taking this action the only way I see how to end it is to take in plenty of pills but.......

 I should already end this and all of this

It helps get things off of my chest

I thank anyone who read this and taking the time to read it.