My diary :/

22/05/2016 (Sunday)

Emotion of the day: Superior, fearlessness, done.

Disorder that affects me the most today: Depression

Friendship most progressed with today: Myself

Negative outcome of the day: I was contemplating suicide.

Positive outcome of the day: I realized I don't wanna die, I just wanna fucking live.

Outcome of the day: I am currently watching Suicide Room (and I have watched Cyber Bully)

Main experience of the day: Crying all on my own.

So today I decided that I am done of pretending that everything is alright. I want to write it everywhere with my own blood on how fucked up this world is. I am so fucking done with acting like I believe every word out of my own friends. I am done on spending time on friendships that I don't even believe in. No one will understand me anyways.

I want people to leave me alone so I have more of a reason to kill myself. I am done with acting like I have a god damn loving family at home when I don't even feel safe lying in my bedroom. I am done with acting like I am comfortable person with who I am when I hate myself, am a freak and wanna die. I am so tired of keeping a smile on my face so I don't disappoint people.

Well fuck it, being silent is easier then acting let me tell you that. My life sucks, and don't give me bullshit that others have it worse cause it wont make me better. That's like saying to someone, "Don't be happy because someone else is happier then you". Fuck life.

I JUST WANNA DIE!!!!

I feel like no one ever understands me and it would be sad if someone did. The fact that no one will ever to me without thinking of something else is just a sign I shouldn't communicate with people if they will never understand me.

The whole world is so fucking stupid... actually no, its the humans. When people are nice, people automatically assume it is flirting, if that doesn't tell you how fucked up people are, then I don't know what will.

My parents are always yelling at me, saying I am a cry baby, to sensitive for this world, I can't do anything right but they are the stupid ones. You aren't suppose to make your child feel like shit because you had less. You don't encourage others like that.

I was suppose to do homework but I didn't feel like it.

I was contemplating suicide and they were yelling at me cause of dirty laundry.

I am gonna get my razor and bring it to school on Tuesday. My parents can catch me at home and at school, no one will notice new cuts on my leg. I deserve it. All the pain I get, I have no one to blame but myself. That's what my dad always said. I starved and then binged again. I was looking at clips of suicide and cutting and it felt good. I was looking at murder videos and that felt good too. I don't wanna do this anymore. But at least I realized I don't wanna die, I just wanna live.