Bleeding Heart | REMUS LUPIN

Chapter Sixteen

"He hasn't been himself lately," James whispered to Peter and Sirius. All three of them glanced over at Remus, who was sitting down on his bed with his head on his pillow which he'd propped up against the wall. He had a book in his hands and was pretending to be completely immersed in it. "I know we just had a full moon not too long ago, but usually he has pretty much recovered by now... emotionally, at least."

"Yes, and we know exactly why that is," said Sirius, matching James's volume so that Remus wouldn't be able to hear. "He likes her."

"I can hear you three whispering over there," Remus called to them loudly without looking up from his book. "I can't hear what you're saying, but I do know you're talking about me. Also, I'd be careful if I were you because Peter isn't too good at whispering."

Peter blushed and Sirius patted him on the head in a comforting manner. "It's all right, Petey. He's just lashing out at us."

Remus sighed and continued with his reading.

Again, the other three boys exchanged uneasy glances. They waited for Remus to say something, but when he didn't, Sirius impulsively blurted something to him.

"You like her, don't you?"

Remus's head immediately whipped towards them as his gaze finally left his book. There was a shocked expression written across his pale, scarred face. It took him a moment to react, but when he did, it was just to look away and shake his head. However, he was unconvincing, and the other three Marauders could tell he was lying even though he hadn't uttered a word. He hadn't even asked who they were talking about, which gave them even more reason to believe that he fancied Ivory Perkinsーand maybe even more than that.

"Come on, Moony," James groaned, circling Remus's bed. "Stop lying to yourself and to your best mates; it isn't doing anyone any favours. We know you fancy her and we know she fancies you."

"I..." said Remus, failing to find the right words.

"It's all right, Remmy," said Peter; his round face suddenly filled with pity. "I don't understand what you're scared of. Ivory's great and she obviously really cares about you."

Upon hearing her name said for the first time during the conversation, Remus sucked in a sharp breath. He lifted his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. He was tall and lanky, but his back was arched and he was forming a sort of cocoon that gave the illusion that he was much smaller.

Remus averted his golden-brown eyes from his best friends' faces. His gaze was fixated on the floor, and on the jumper on the floor that she'd worn, and on a little piece of yarn unraveling from the sleeve of the jumper. James, Sirius and Peter understood him better than anyone else, but they still didn't understand. They didn't understand what Remus was feeling, they didn't understand his fear of getting close to anyone or the paranoia he felt about ever harming another person.

"I'm going to compare you to me and Lily," James said, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "In this situation, I would be Ivory, whereas Lily, who took forever to come around to loving me back, would be you. Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I really don't think anyone deserves what I went through in pining after her."

"Are you suggesting," Remus began, "that Ivory is pining after me?"

"Yes. No. I have no idea what I was trying to say," said James, grimacing.

"Ivory doesn't fancy me," Remus muttered to himself, his eyes snagging on a particularly nasty-looking scar on his arm. "She could never."

"What's there not to fancy?" Peter asked rhetorically. "You're one of the nicest people ever."

"No," said Remus adamantly.

"Yes, and you're not hideous to look at," James interjected.

Remus shook his head, his lips pulled downwards in a frown.

"And I assume some girls find awkward blokes... you know, endearing," Peter added.

Remus continued to shake his head, his shoulders slumping more and more.

Sirius suddenly burst out, "This is codswallop! You like her and she likes you. Why do you have to make everything so complicated? You're lucky that you found someone that cares about you that much. Who cares if she knows about your furry little problem? Do you honestly think so low of Ivory? Do you think she wouldn't want to be with you just because of what you are? I don't know why you're so insistent on not letting people care about you, Moony!"

This didn't make anything better for him; in fact, he felt even worse. Running through his mind were all possible horrid scenarios. He couldn't hurt Ivory. She had already had the worst happen to her and he would just add onto the pain. And what if she was scared of him? What if she thought werewolves were evil, as so many others did? What if it was too much for her to handle, and she couldn't bear to be with a werewolf? If she chose to be with him, she was choosing to also take all of the darkness that came with Remus Lupin. He knew that she was so strong, but he didn't want her to be her burden.

But he wasn't only thinking of her—he was thinking of himself, because there was a part of everyone that was selfish to some extent. He wouldn't be able to handle it if someone like Ivory walked out of his life because he was a werewolf. He didn't know how she would take it if she knew. Perhaps she would see in him a killer, a murderer, just like the person who had killed her parents.