The things that run through my head in the split second before I say something like "I don't know."
Music: "Why do you even listen to that weird music?(Nightcore)"
Fear is why I listen to Nightcore
I want to feel it all
But emotions are scary
If it's off tone then you don't feel the whole effect, and if it's sped-up then your mind can't fully processes it. Thus I can listen to suicides without dieing, and heavy rock or screamo without being totally freaked out. And I can blast my music, just to listen to the beat behind it; it's almost like stepping behind the drapes to look out the window. But with the speed and defining loudness I can't feel it, but it does need to be at a certain volume level to make it feel real; like a quiet personal concert!
I want to feel those feelings fleetingly because I feel like if I stop and float on the lake
Then I'll get dragged down and cry too much, and for a guy that truly is a real problem. I do though wish that I could pick a day to be by myself and just cry... Listen to real music, think, and cry without ridicule; from others or myself.
Cutting or suicide: "Have you ever done that? Why would anyone...?"
Coming soon!
Ok, so, I understand that I'm just saying things that only partain to me, and my super specific situations. That is to say, I'm basing the object of this passage and others like it on a fictional "Us" not too unlocked a relationship. Although it's not about one at all... What I'm doing here is taking some of the load off of myself and giving it to an imaginary being.Not the reader, so it's still relateable, but you can detach yourself from it as well. It's written this way so that you might relate, and I can detach. It keeps me from overloading and gives me an easier outlet without placing responsibility or blame on the audience, so... Sorry if this gets to you in a bad way. It's not meant to, it's just me venting. Thx *...*
OK so first, is really, the have you part.
Which believe it or not leads into the other half.
Have you? Most avoid this question for their own reasons. By this point it should be fairly clear that I'm a coward... I don't really want to be but hey,
So I say no because I do the want people to find out. Not that I'm afraid of them invading my space, or asking all the stupid questions because they're worried or whatever, but rather I don't want them to hurt.
As with most people who do this we want to keep it a secret because we both want them to come to us of they're own accord, we don't want pity but rather sympathy or I guess empathy, and we don't want to hurt them. The second is my main reason. Although there is no real scientific name for the fear of hurting others I have this deep rooted fear. I hurt so bad that I would hurt myself, not for control, but for the illusion of it. The wild ride that I would have no control over. The chemical bliss I would find at the end of that small blade. We all know it's not the right choice,... but what better alternative is there?
I cut because it was clean, sharp burned, was stiff after so it lasted a while, and the pain was rather controlled after if scabbed. It was rather pretty too. Clean mirror, opened cleanly my filth and showed a pure red ruby line, which sometimes would spawn others, but even for this high ride, I would feel pain, I would be numb first emotionally then sad, then happy physically then in pain for breaf moments but happy, and eventually numb physically too. Then it would hurt, but it would be a nice burn, like how a runner feels after burning the morning's calories. They still hurt sometimes. Like how your knee hurts with a sudden air pressure change with a storm. They will hurt, almost randomly. Those pale lines still sting from time to time, but it's normally just painful or lackluster... But every once in a while I'll want that clean line back, the ones that wouldn't bleed as I shook, but would drop after I put my blade down. Sometimes makes me feel sick. Not physically, but almost. And homesick? No but my mind some days does think like that.
So how could I cut? Pain? Why would I or wouldn't I die? Fear. Really the fear of which would cause the greatest amount of pain to all of you. Pain to get rid of pain, I fear hurting others.
I'm afraid of falling into the sky, or am I afraid the world will move and I'll be left behind?
Idk, but I'm getting tired and I'm rambling on, so, Goodnight my lovelies :) Sweet Dreams. Remember E byri oys.
I love you.
