Smoke

Chapter ten

Louis and I went to the café a bit later than intended. It was closer to six than five. I was glad I woke up in his arms. I figured out that he was my drug and finding something to fix it wasn't gonna work.

We talked about little things but nothing to serious because we didn't want to cry in the café.

On the way home Louis held my hand like he always did. He acted like nothing ever happened.

I'm surprised he waited for me for 3 months. Maybe he was crazy without me too. He had to have been, he came back to me, but he wasn't near as much of a mess as I was.

We walked in and set our stuff down and he spoke up "why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you snap at me like you did and then go on this spiral down?"

"Louis-"

"The real reason"

"I got to close. I felt like you didn't feel the same about me the way I did about you. I'm numb. I just got so turned around from everything that was happening and I was lying to you about being okay."

"And I've lied to you about being okay too. It's a thing people do to not talk about the problem or problems they have"

"I think I was the one lying to myself not you"

"Harry, that was 3 months ago. Forget about it, yea?"

"No, Louis, I can't. I've tried. You saw me. Beer, smoking, drugs. That isn't me."

"Your right it isn't, but you could have done something about it"

"What could I have have done?!"

"Texted, called, something" he said in a very calm voice

"Do you know how bad I thought I screwed up that night? How much I hated myself for doing that? How much I thought you hated me? Do you?!"

"No, bu-"

"So, so, so much. Beyond words. I had it almost all figured out and then you went off with other people with out telling me"

"I wasn't thinking and you were drunk"

"That still doesn't give me a right to treat you like that or talk to you like that."

"No it doesn't Harry, but I said forget about it I'm not mad."

"But I am"

"At me?!"

"Yes, and myself. Mostly myself"

"Love, I forgive you. I said I was sorry."

"That's your problem, you forgive and forget to easily. You should hate me." I said raising my voice

"Why should I? You have every right to hate me but yet you can't keep your hands off me and are a mess with out me"

"I know, I can't and I think that's why it makes me hate myself"

"Me, me, hate me! Not yourself!" Louis screamed throwing his hands in the air.

I couldn't manage to choke anything out I just broke down crying. I not only hated being yelled at but this was to much.

"Harry, Harry, oh m- I didn't mean to make you cry." He said  dropping to his knees pulling me onto his lap.

We sat like that me crying in his arms with him hushing me, rocking side to side.