The Leave Me Aloners

Idk

Honestly though..

I don't know where to start.

There's too much pain in this world. But there's also beauty and I don't understand that. There's death and there's life all in one place. There's peace and there's destruction. There's the future, present and the past.

Tbh I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is that my heart hurts. I'm at that state between falling into complete depression and then not. I mean yes I'm not always happy, I try to be, but sometimes it's difficult to maintain that mask I wear. I don't know, I guess I'm just kinda sad at the moment.

Lol everytime I write about what I feel it doesn't seem to make any sense. Yup I'm definitely a writer XD.

But anyway, like I'm always told,

I'm a "survivor." But a survivor of what? Of life I guess? Or maybe not... idk what I am. But I just know that I don't let things drag me down or atleast try not to let it drag me down without a fight. I've been through some things yeah, the harsh tough kind of things but I don't let that phase me. I remember this one time, just this one time where I opened up to my friends. I had told them some not all of what I had been going through and what had caused my depression in middle school. Yes, the sixth grade. (I'm a junior now I'm like really old XD) Anyways when I began to explain some of my "story" with them I began to cry.

I hate crying. Especially in front of people. And I remember saying those exact words.

I hate crying. Especially in front of people, it shows my weakness.

And that's when my guy friend said something so unbelievable for his character because he was always carefree and kinda childish not exactly smart lol but for the first time ever he said something that made me idk just so shocked. And that was,

I don't see weakness, I see bravery.

And I just gaped at him, and took a moment to process of what he had told me. And said,

"I can't believe you said something so cliché just now. And he only smiled this small smile, and I began to laugh, because the whole thing was just bizarre and heartwarming at the same time. No one has ever told me that. Going back to grade school and middle school I've been called a crybaby, coward, and weak, for crying.

And for him to say something like that? Idk it just made me happy for some reason. Granted, it's not like I'm going to cry openly about my ice cream falling or something, XD but it changed my point of view of things in a way.

Writing this now makes me somewhat happy. It's weird one moment I'm sad and the next I'm not. I'm a mess really. A raw emotional mess. Or really...blame hormones.

-Bowtie_Rabbit