Finding Her

Chapter 7

I stayed up for awhile after she went to bed. I had no idea how to get to know someone who was almost an adult who I never knew. Sure, she's my daughter, but, the only thing I know about her is her name and age. She would be eighteen soon and I had no clue what things she liked. Does she even like guys?

I groaned and knocked back a glass of whiskey. This is definitely over complicating things a lot and it was my own fault. I wasn't there when I should have been and now I don't even know how to get to know my own kid.

The front door opened and closed, instantly causing me to become alert, "Hello?"

"Hey, it's just me," Alexa replied, "Did you wait up for me?"

I chuckled, "Nope, just thinkin' and drinkin.'" God, I sounded like an idiot.

"Mom already go to bed?"

"Yep."

"Well, goodnight then."

"Goodnight." I muttered before knocking back the rest of my drink.

Shanking my head, I went and laid on the couch, I was already doing a terrible job. I could've had some sort of decent conversation with her just then but I fucking froze like an idiot.

When I woke up the next morning, Lana was already gone and Alexa was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. "Whatever you're making smells good." I called from the living room.

"Thanks!" She called back, "Want some? I made plenty!"

"Sure."

While we ate, Alexa talked about herself and school. She was excited to be graduating soon, valedictorian at that. She's never made anything below an A in her entire school life. She's seeing a guy named Cameron, has a best friend named Missy and often spent weekends at her house, broke her wrist when she was nine trying to skateboard, loved the idea of going to an underground rave, and often volunteered. I listened intently as she went on and on about herself. She was a spectacular girl on the verge of womanhood and I had missed out on so much, every detail of her life she filled me in on made me hate myself so much more.

What was I thinking trying to buy off a drug lord with machine guns and coke?

"Anything else you wanna know?" She asked.

"How long have you known I was your dad?"

She paused for a moment to think. "Hmmm, since I was seven, I believe. I know I was very young."

"Your mom handle you finding out ok?" I asked after awhile.

Alexa nodded, "She told me everything about you and why you were in jail. Pretty dumb stunt you pulled, to be honest, but the past is the past and mom's pretty over it. She told me you asked to marry her. Why?"

"I never stopped wanting or loving her. She's what got me through prison." I shrugged, "I just really want to be with her. Also, I want to get to know you too. You are my daughter too after all."

She nodded again, studying me very closely. "And you're done with your past life of drug and arms dealing?"

"Yep, I'm not going to screw myself over with that crap again."

"Good. I don't think mom could handle that again." Alexa sighed, "I'm going over to Missy's house, have mom call me when she gets back."

"Sure thing."

I dabbled around on the internet for a couple of hours before Alana got home. It was mind numbing not having anyone to talk to. None of my so-called friends would even bother talking to me after I got locked up. Not that I blamed them, I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either after that fiasco. I had no one but my mom and myself - and the hope that Lana would even bother with me again along with the hope of knowing our daughter.

It was a half past nine when Alana got home. She looked stunning with her dark hair cascading down in soft waves and her dark blue dress hugging her delectable frame. "Hey, you, how'd it go today?" She asked as she placed her bag on the table.

"Good, I learned quite a bit about Alexa. We made a pretty smart kid," I smiled at her. God, she looked so enticing tonight that it caused a ravenous hunger to form within me. I continued on with a wicked grin "And we can make more."

"Alex, we barely just got back in touch with each other. Shouldn't we, I don't know, re-get to know each other?" She frowned, but her eyes gave way to her true hunger and craving. She wanted me as viciously as I wanted her, she just wasn't ready for it yet.

I nodded and held back a laugh, "Sure, even though "re-get" isn't a word. You still do that cute thing where you use made up words to hide what you really want. You know, your eyes have always given away your true thoughts?"

Her face burned a deep crimson, "Yeah, since you know so much, what do I do for work?"

"You work at an art gallery as a planner for the auctions. You also do a bit of painting yourself." I smiled as she tried to gather words, "I looked you up once I got out of, well, you know."

"Well, you've done quite the research, and you've been a mechanic for the most part."

"How did you know that?"

"When you first showed up here you had motor oil under your nails and you had a bit on your shirt. Easy to spot, nothing fancy." She shrugged, "Must be hard to find a job now."

"Yeah, apparently wanting to do the right thing after being in prison is beyond unlikely so they make it virtually impossible. Thankfully Dave, the owner of the shop I worked at, understood that I wanted to be a better person than what I was before everything. I have so much regret from back then, all the times I hurt you in the delusional name of helping you. I was such an idiot." I frowned and hung my head, I was a huge disappointment to myself.

Alana took my hand and squeezed it, "You were a kid, Alex, you made your mistakes and you payed the price for it. While, yes, it was extremely stupid, you did what you thought you had to. I understand that."

"Except I can't really move on, I have a felony barring me from any decent job I can find. I'll always pay the price for what I did because of one stupid decision I made." I growled, "I was stupid and childish and I fucked my future up."

"You didn't fuck everything up. I have connections, if you need any help with getting a job I can always try to help." She smiled meekly, "Just say the word and I'll put in a word."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Of course I would, Alex." She whispered, "I love you and I want you to be able to have the future you deserve."

"You're literally way too amazing for me, Alana. You know that right? I don't deserve any of this, especially from you." I kissed her forehead, "I love you so much, baby girl."

She grabbed my hair and kissed my lips with unhinged hunger. Her lips muffled my surprised moan. Her passion shocked me and made my hunger for her worse. I wanted to devour her, make her beg and scream. I wanted to leave her shaking and satisfied. But mostly, I wanted to love her like I never got the chance to.