Seeking Solace

21 - Blurring the Line Between White Lies and Black (Just Don't Make Me Face It)

Time passes weirdly while I'm there. There're the eerily quiet moments when we're alone, just Gerard and Mikey and me, with the sounds just outside the open kitchen door when time seems to hardly move. The only clock in the room is smashed and hangs at an angle, its hands twitching irregularly every few seconds, forever trapped on the five o'clock on the day it was broken. We sit together, with Mikey almost immobile in front of us, just staring blankly at the wall. I see Gerard's foot under the table, pressing against his brother's, and Mikey presses back, but doesn't say anything. We sit in silence, which makes everything too real and too terrifying and I have to force myself to stay in the present and keep breathing.

The sun rises hours later. Usually when things like this happen, when I'm forced to wait for something, I keep thinking of the future just one step ahead, to where I don't have to wait any more. But I forget that. I forget everything except the fact that I'm here with Gerard and I have no idea what's going on, and that the voices outside aren't helping to ease my confusion and I don't want to push Gerard to talk about anything he doesn't want to talk about. So I wait, and the sun rises, and it takes me a while to remember that my parents will be waking up soon, and will have no idea where the fuck I've gone.

I jump when I remember, and Gerard just kind of glances at me, because I've been doing it every so often in the past couple hours, but then he sees the panic on my face and he really frowns.

“My parents,” I say, “They don't know I left...”

Gerard's eyes widen and he starts panicking too, which is [i]bad[/i] and fuck, I should've at least tried to pretend everything was okay so that he wouldn't worry because he has enough to fucking worry about.

“You should go-” he starts, but I cut him off.

“What about you?” I say, even though I know he's right, “What're you going to do-”

“I'll be okay,” he urges, starting to stand up to pull me out of my seat, “I shouldn't even have called-”

“No, I'll...I don't know, just, I don't want to leave when you said-”

“Forget what I said-”

“Just go,” someone says, and we both stop and turn to the only other person in the room. He looks at Gerard and then at me and he says, “He'll be okay.”

His voice is so small, so tired, I can't find it in me to fight it. Mikey pleads with his eyes, and we both know he's had enough for one day, and I realize just by looking at him how much he's been forced to grow up because of what his father has done, for Gerard and for everyone who depends on him. That's too much. That's way too much.

So I kiss Gerard goodbye, and make my way home, earning looks from the people who were there when Gerard kissed me the first time, and sympathetic glances I don't deserve from others who don't seem to hate me for that tiny, innocent gesture.

I'm lucky, so incredibly lucky that my parents are still asleep when I get back. My brother's awake though, bright and early like always, watching Saturday morning cartoons as if nothing had ever happened in the past few hours. I would've been the same. I miss that. I miss being oblivious to absolutely everything except the stupid cartoon violence and exaggerated swollen bumps that they bore.

I try to sneak pas the living room but he hears me and peeks around the door as I'm halfway up the stairs. His eyes widen when he sees me.

“Where were you?” he says.

“Nowhere,” I say, walking faster. It's not even an excuse, but it's enough to buy me some time to get to safety and not have to actually think of one. It always works with him.