My Sparkly Vampire~ Enis X Mark

Chapter 1~ What the Book says to do

~Enis POV~
I sit in my library, reading a book about a wizard boy that finds a portal in a closet and has to fight a girl named Katniss or something, when I hear my door open. I don't remember inviting anyone, so a peek around the corner, staying hidden. I see three people, one girl and to boys. "Ooh, you need a bandaid on that." says one guy, cringing a bit. "Or a butt load of iodine." says the girl with a chuckle. "I'm not gonna make it, am I?" Asks the other guy, surprisingly calm considering he was bitten by a hellhound. "Nope" says the girl. "No, no, no,you're gonna be fine. Look, we're gonna stay the night here, we're gonna get all better, it'll be just like a sleepover." When, I'll call him Bob I guess, says that, I can't help but jump out and say, "I love sleepovers!" "Vampire!" Cries out Bob. "Where!?" I ask, looking around. Bob comes up to me and holds a machete to my neck. He smells like garlic. "Oh, you smell... good." "Mark, you got to kill the last one." So that's his name! "No, no, that was a warlock, this is a-" "a devilishly handsome, sparkly vampire names Enis?" I chime. "Shut up." Grunts Mark. The guy on the floor starts grunting in pain. "Is he gonna be okay?" I ask, just to be polite. "I dunno, you tell me." "Well, it looks like he's been by a hellhound, so... probably not." "Cool, then I'm just gonna kill this guy." The girl says, stepping towards me with her baseball bat. "Wait, wait, wait, wait! I can save your friend's life!" "How can we trust a blood-sucking vampire?" I gave an answer... "Simple! I'm a vegan! I don't eat anything with a face!" And then I ruined it. "I generally tear the face off first." "Oh, I feel safer already." I pull away from Mark's grip and head to my bookshelf. "I can fix your friend up lickity-split! Just let me grab my magical spell book!"
Chapter fifty-four, page one-hundred-and-five: create a hellhound antidote to keep your victim alive! It says to cover one eyeball, and the other one, too. What for? That's what the book says to do! We'll need a pile of raisins and a magical word, I like to use the term, "linguini", cause it's pretty absurd! And once we've found ourselves some raisins, pour them into a shoe! Then flick your ear, that's what the book says to do! We have to iron a cactus! Stick a bee in your nose! And then we'll eat a plate of flapjacks! Draw some faces on toes! We'll all hold hands until they're sweaty! We'll pretend we can fly! And if we don't, we'll die! I made that part up. Here! Hold this! It looks diseased... Now take a creepy baby doll and shake it all around! Then you shriek like a weasel while you flail on the ground! And once you've done that for two hours, throw that baby down the stairs! Then we'll hit eachother with metal chairs! What? I'm having second guesses 'bout this spell casting stuff. Okay, I found a couple tutus- that's not nearly enough! Next we'll scatter someone's ashes as we throw a parade! And then we'll sit and have séance while we're playing Old Maid! Wear a big hat! Drink from this jar! None of this song makes sense so far! I hope I have some chickens left! I don't know what he's up to, but it's certainly weird... he keeps asking for toenails- -and a leprechaun beard! I don't think we should trust him; he's completely insane! And all the nonsense we're doing seems expressly inane! We should totally kill him! Yeah, it seems like you're right. I mean, he looks pretty puny... won't be much of a fight! We can sneak up behind him! Drive a steak through his heart! Do your worst! Ladies first! If you won't impale him, then Enis will start a new verse! *kazoo* I might cut his head off. He's a vampire, it won't necessarily kill him. It'll definitely make playing the kazoo a lot harder! We gotta wittle a pickle, eat some Parmesan cheese! And then we'll all watch a movie! "OH, NO, NOT THE BEES!" And next we take out the garbage, summon hellbeasts from space! And then when the portal closes, pull his sleeve up to expose his wounded arm and kiss tour friend's dead face! What? Kiss his face..? No, that's disgusting. It's what the book says to do... We did, like, 5,000 things from the book, okay!? Okay, could we, like, eat part of him? NO!! Ugh! I'm just trying to help... Okay. *kisses Dave's face* I ship it. He's still dead! Are you sure he's not just sleeping? You have five seconds to fix this. Oh, wait, wait, wait! I was reading the spell backwards! Okay, everybody! One more time: in reverse! Let's expel our space-bound hellbeats, then we'll take out the trash! We'll watch a flick, and eat some cheese, and cut a pickle and dash! It's time to play kazoo and wear a hat, use metal chairs like baseball bats! And flail, and fly, and paint all your toes! We'll eat some flapjacks and stick bees in your- nevernind... We'll grav a shoe to fill with snacks, and flick your ear with sneak attacks, and scream "linguini" to the max, so here it goes!
"He's still dead." Mark says, less angry than the first time. "Really? Weird, backwards usually works..." I mumble as I flip through the book. Suddenly monsters bang on my door. "Okay, whelp! This was fun. See ya, Dave, sorry you're still dead." Mark holds a stake up to his machete to make a cross as he walks past me. "You suck at being a vampire!" Tho it hurt my feelings, the pun not helping, I still try to be nice. "I appreciate your honesty! You guys want some music for the road?" "Shut up." "Do you wanna hear my yodeling? Yodel-eh-hih-hoo!" "No one likes you." "You smell like an anus!"