The Bucket List

Chapter Two

Costa coffee shop was only a five minute drive from Leah's house, and she stared out of the window the whole journey. She had barely been outside in the last few weeks and the world seemed alien to her. The trees had all lost their leaves, and she couldn't remember if they'd had them the last time that she had looked. The weather was dull and grey, a perfect fit for her mood.

They stopped at the lights at the end of West Dyke Road and Leah watched out of the window as a woman tried to walk up the street. Tried, being the key word, as she was stumbling from left to right, weaving across the pavement. Glancing at the clock in the car she saw it wasn't even half past midday. Alright for some, she thought, finding herself jealous of the woman's drunken state at this time of the day. When Leah was drunk she wasn't thinking about Josh, and anytime she wasn't thinking about that, she felt better.

They sat down and Leah ordered a large hot chocolate smothered in whipped cream and more chocolate on top – like a kid Josh always said – and Kat had her 'skinny' latte, and Kat began to say what Leah knew had been coming.

"So, don't you think it's about time you started getting out and about again? You can't keep ordering takeaway and staying up until 5am." Kat was trying to sound concerned but it came across to Leah as a scolding.

"I'm not ready, I can't just get up and get out there again. It's not easy, I've lost..." Before she could finish, Kat interrupted,

"We all lost him Leah, did you think of that? Pat lost a son, your mum and dad lost near enough a son in law. We lost a best friend. We all lost him. We all get it. We really do. But we all need to start moving on." Leah saw tears welling in Kat's eyes and it was the first time she had thought about it that way. She'd been so caught up in her own grief she hadn't stopped to think of everybody else. Josh had left a huge hole, and it wasn't just in her life.

"I'm sorry, I never thought of anyone else but myself. I've never done this before. I don't know how to do it."

"That's what we're here for. To talk about it and help each other." Kat reached out her hand and gently squeezed Leah's, and it reminded her of the last time Josh had squeezed her hand the night he died. She had been there until the very end, and his lips rose slightly at the edge to let out a smile as he squeezed her hand, and then he went. In that one moment her entire life had changed. Her future suddenly became uncertain and frightening. 

Leah and Kat stayed for a lot longer than the half an hour, that Leah had planned in her head, and she hadn't realised how much she needed it until she was there. Back at home that afternoon, she felt like a weight had been lifted, and a small part of her didn't feel as lost any more. She decided it was time to start trying to get things back on track. It wouldn't happen overnight, she knew that, but she felt like if she could feel a tiny bit better today, then maybe, just maybe, she could feel a tiny bit better tomorrow, and hopefully that would continue.

Still feeling prepared to begin to start living again; she took a bin bag and headed for the wardrobe. The first thing to do was to sort through Josh's things. She was still living in the house as though he was there; shoes still in the hallway, aftershave still next to the sink in the bathroom, and shirts hung neatly next to each other. She couldn't remove it all at once, but she could make a start. Sifting through his shirts and jackets, she began to put them into the bag. She would never throw out his Boro shirt, or his Radiohead t-shirt, but his work clothes could be donated to someone who needed them.

As she moved his shoes from the bottom of the wardrobe she noticed a shoe box underneath. It looked expensive, and she pulled it forward to take a look. Josh had liked his shoes - he said you could tell a lot about man from his shoes - and he owned some expensive pairs. As soon as she lifted it she knew it didn't contain shoes, it was too light and something was sliding around inside of it.

Opening the lid she saw that it was full of pieces of paper and photos. She lifted the photos and began to thumb through them. They were of Josh at school with his friends, she recognised Rich immediately, he had the same bright red hair as he did now. They were laughing and joking and it made Leah smile to see it. There were photos of his mum and dad at Christmas, some of his brother, and the dog he had as a kid. Then there were photos of him and Leah, on their first holiday together in Egypt. It was seven years ago but it suddenly seemed like yesterday.

Leah had been 19 and Josh 23, he'd just secured a job at the steel mill, and was due to start at the beginning of August that year, so they took what little savings they'd managed to get together and booked two weeks all inclusive to Sharm El Sheik. It was amazing, a perfect break to celebrate his new job.

They spent the days by the pool, and snorkelling off the shore. There was a huge strip of coral just off the beach and it was full of more fish than was imaginable. They spent the evenings watching the entertainment, or sitting on the balcony of their room, watching people go past, and talking about their future together.

It was that trip when Leah realised she really was in love with Josh. Not just a little bit in love but full on, heart flutters, can't breathe without him type of love.

She was smiling as she thumbed through the photos, and she laughed out loud at one of her in a bikini. She used to think she was fat then, but actually, she wasn't. 

Underneath the photos was a few pieces of paper, mostly IOU's that Leah had written him throughout time as a joke, but there was something else there, folded up at the bottom. She pulled it out and took a look at it. Opening it up, she saw it was a list,

'THE BUCKET LIST – THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE'