Hell is Like High School

This Light Is Brighter Than My Future

"Is that normal? Am I drunk or something?" I asked incredulously as I backed away from the spectral glow. "This is what exercise does to you! It's dangerous, dangerous I tell you!"

Alex - seemingly calm - shielded his eyes with his hand before surveying the area, a smile toying with his face. "I knew it!" He said quietly, the grin slowly growing like the very hungry caterpillar.

"What do you mean?" I spluttered. "Knew what? That crazy Jeremy had this weird thing in his cellar? Dude! That's not normal!"

"Keep your voice down!" He hissed, rolling his eyes as if addressing a kid who had consumed too much apple juice. "I'll explain: I was doing some research on Jeremy. Quite a kind guy. The only reason he's down here is because he wanted revenge on his wife's murderer. Thing is, his wife was the complete love of his life, and I noticed that from time to time, Jeremy would simply disappear. Nobody knew where he went. Then, a few days later, he would return, looking vaguely happy." He paused, wetting his lips. "That got me thinking: where did he go? I kinda assumed he went somewhere he wanted to remain clandestine, and what's a more secretive manner than a cheeky little door to Heaven?"

"Say what?" I practically screamed, peering through the gleaming doorway. "I-I don't see any angels..." I fumbled and flailed, before looking back at him. "So you're telling me, old Jeremy has a 'cheeky' stairway to Heaven hidden in his wine cellar? That cannot be true. It's bliddy ridiculous! Wait a minute... Is all this wine real or no?"

"Seriously Fern, at least try to be serious? This is what I've always wanted, what I've always searched for! A legitimate way to get to Heaven! No catch, no bluffs, and no pissed off Satan and his newly impregnated girlfriend!" Alex exclaimed, expression faltering in its jubilation and taking on an angry pigment. Oh dear. A mad Alex is a dangerous Alex. Sound the alarms!

"Mate, I'm sorry. It's just a lot to take in, that's all." I said slowly. "So.... What's the plan? We're not actually going to explore this supposed loophole to Heaven? It might be dangerous." Satan's knickers I sounded absolutely pathetic.

"No, I think we're just going to stand here, marvel at it until Jeremy comes down here and shoots us." Alex said. I breathed in relief before realising he was being extremely sarcastic. Oh poo. Rolling his eyes, he brushed past me to gaze until the bright vista. "Ready?"

"Ready for what? I ain't going in there, I have rights, my home is h--" I was cut off, however, as Alex grabbed me by my collar and brusquely chucked me into the searing light.

Why didn't anyone provide me with sunglasses? This light is wayyyyy brighter than my future, I'll tell you that. I didn't realise I was screaming until a voice sounded from behind me. "Shut up, would you? Is everything okay?" It was Alex, inquiring my health from the Hell. How thoughtful of him.

"I'm not fricken chicken fine! You just chucked me into Heaven! I could've died, you know!" I squealed, sounding like a chipmunk on concentrated helium.

"I don't care, Fern. What can you see?"

I looked around, still whimpering vaguely. Spread in front of me was the biggest staircase I've ever seen. Call me Led Zepplin but it was the literal stairway to Heaven, docked out in silver, shimmering jewels and brightness. "Woah." I breathed. "It's pretty fantastic in here!" I called back. "I'm beginning to wonder why our friend Jeremy doesn't just permanently stay here!"

After a pause, Alex appeared beside me. The surprise at his arrival caused a shrill squeak to exit my mouth. I sighed and looked at him expectantly. "That is something I wondered too." Alex murmured.

"You? Wondering? I didn't know someone without a brain could do such a thing."

"Shut up, you sassy freak." He snapped in reply, before hesitantly touching the first step. Quickly, he withdrew his hand. "It's ice cold."

"What is this, Frozen? I'm pretty sure Elsa didn't make this." I muttered. "Let it gooooo, let it goooooo."

"Come to think of it, it is rather chilly here. Maybe that's it: Hell is insanely hot, but we don't realise because we're use to it. However, Heaven is damn cold compared to our usual habitat."

"Someone give you a lab coat and call you Einstein." I muttered. "You've already got the hair to fit the bill." After being directed a sinister glare, I smiled sheepishly and stepped on the step. "That explains why Jeremy doesn't stay here, it's too cold for someone who's been registered to be in Hell. I bet if we get an official contract to get into Heaven, it'll be a much more pleasant temperature." I paused and grinned. "Listen to me! I'm being smart."

"That's a first." Alex muttered. "Come on then. This'll have to be quick." With that, he jumped past me and continued up the ethereal stairs.