suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

∥ XXIII. COUNTDOWN ∥

이건 사랑에 미친 멍청이의 뜀박질.
this is the race of someone who's crazy from love.

The most ironic part about it was that it was a normal day. A beautiful day. The sun had risen. The sky was blue.

Birds were chirping, flying overhead.

Children were playing in the park, dressed in layer after layer of winter clothes so they looked like the snowmen they were building. Lovers were walking hand in mittened-hand down the streets. Elderly men and women fed pigeons on benches as they huddled their faces in their scarves.

There was a liveliness in the air that signaled the coming of Christmas. Of miracles.

Everything seemed peaceful, joyful even, but we were all only blissfully unaware of what was to come in only a few short hours.

Like I said, there would be no tomorrow without Jungkook. Tick tock, tick tock, went the clock. I always knew I was running out of time.

I just didn't know how close I was cutting it.

✍

I came home a bit later than usual, feeling as if all the life was drained from me even on such a beautiful day. The day before my birthday. Taehyung and Seokjin insisted on throwing me a party and were at the store buying all the necessary goods no matter how much I protested.

I sighed as I shook my coat of the snow in the empty apartment, only to halt as I noticed that is stepped on a piece of paper. Looking down, I saw a thick envelope.

At first, I thought it must've been a bill or something of the sort. But then, as I picked it up, I frowned as I realized that if that were the case, it would be in our mailbox outside of the lobby. And the only thing written on the outside was a name — my name — written in an unfamiliar handwriting.

I opened it immediately, practically ripping the thing to shreds in urgency. I had a bad feeling in my stomach that I didn't want to trust.

I quickly began reading, my instincts somehow telling me that time was of the essence.

[warning: this bolded, italicized note could be triggering.]

"Dear Minah-yah who I hurt,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I always made things so difficult for you. I made them hard for everyone. Yoongi-hyung, my eomma, my dongsaeng, even myself. But I regret the way I treated you the most. I was only vying for your attention, desperately trying to get you to say you loved me. But I can't force you to feel anything for me. I know that now. But without your love, what do I have, really? You were the breath of life inside of me, the single shred of sanity and hope that I clung to so desperately. I know that that was unfair of me to put so much pressure on you.

I'm sorry, but you'll never see me again. I'm going to wherever it is lost souls go when they die. My only regret is that I didn't get to see you, hold you, kiss you, love you one last time. But that would be even more unfair, and I can't have you stopping me.

But don't worry about me, beautiful girl. Don't even frown, okay? You're too pretty for that. I know you worry about my wellbeing even after all of my cruelty because your heart is so pure, like a freshly-cut diamond, but I'll be okay, wherever I go.