The most depressing Phanfic you will ever read.

Ch. 1 // Nightmares

A/N
Hey guys! So almost 2 years ago, I published this phanfiction simply to get my wattpad account going. But, since over a million people have read it and 80+ people have commented having high demand for an explanation behind the tragedy of Dan's farewell, here it is. I hope it reaches your expectations, I know how long you've waited for this :)

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"Phil?"

The gentle voice of the exhausted Dan Howell bellows in the empty hallway, his shadow casting into my room as he stands in the doorway.

"Dan-" I sit up a little, rubbing my face awkwardly and squinting at him, "what are you- it's 3:30 in the morning, what's wrong?"

His chest is bare, as it usually is when he sleeps, but is covered in largely presented goosebumps. His pants hang lowly on his waist and settle on his hips. He's so beautiful.

"Uh... c-can I lay with you? For a few minutes maybe?"

I chuckle to myself, so small that it may not have even happened. Dan has difficulty sleeping when he's scared, or feels unsafe, which usually happens when he's had a nightmare. It comes off as childish; but you all know the feeling.

"Dan, good god, come here" I scoot aside and pull the blankets back for him. He walks into the dark room, shutting the door and making his way across the creaky floor. He lays beside me, instinctively placing his head on my shoulder and clinging to my torso.

His body is cold and he's shivering. His feet are like ice. He's probably been standing in that doorway for more than just a few minutes.

"Do you need a shirt?" I ask gently, kissing his forehead.

"No, I'm fine" he says, still violently shivering.

I still get up, picking out a loose long sleeved shirt and gesturing for him to sit up. If he hadn't been watching me closely, it probably would've been too dark for him to know what I was asking.

He put his arms up and I put the shirt on him. Sometimes when we're both tired like this, things like me dressing him are just appropriate. Despite how childish.

We move back to our previous position and I run my fingers through his hair, occasionally kissing his forehead gently. He falls asleep within minutes. So I decide to fall asleep with him, letting out a long sigh and holding him close, breathing in his scent and not getting enough of it.

Everything is calm.

But then things change.

Not being fully asleep, I can feel Dan's breathing become rapid and he begins to cry. Clinging to me he squirms. He's scared. I begin panicking.

"Dan-," I whisper yell, shaking him gently, but he cries harder, so I talk in a normal voice, "Dan. Daniel!"

His eyes fly open and he begins panting, choked sobs caught in his throat, "Phil!?"

I hold his head, "Dan what happened? Are you ok?" I decide that staying calm will likely keep him calm.

"Phil-" he throws his arms around my neck and begins to cry into the crook of my neck, "I can't sleep Phil. The nightmares are so bad! Every second feels like hours and it scares me!"

"Daniel, look at me," he glances at me with his shiny wet eyes and continues to shake; I can practically feel my heart break, "baby why didn't you tell me? How long has this been happening?"

"A week maybe??" His breathing is still uneven.

"Breath Dan, you're safe. Talk to me. Why didn't you tell me?"

He takes in a deep breath and inhales it slowly. "I didn't tell because... I don't know, they're dreams Phil! And I'm an adult, they shouldn't bother me this much, even if they are scary."

With on hand behind his head and the other on his back, I pull him to my chest and stroke his head softly, "do you want to talk about the dream?"

He didn't nod yes or no, but he cupped his hands around my ear and whispered it to me. He does things like that, even when no one else is around. It's something I like very much about him. But now, something's wrong and he's scared, and the whispering almost concerns me.

He describes everything to me in detail, and it doesn't take long for me to realize that no fucking WONDER he wanted to lay with me, a WEEK of THIS??

"Dan, baby, listen to me. I wish you had told me earlier that these horrible things were going through your head. But right now, now that I know, I'm going to make it better, ok?"

Dan nods, already visually comforted by the fact that he can feel the rhythm of my breathing and heartbeat. I smile.

"Right now, in this moment, it's 4:05 in the morning. And you need sleep. So I want you to imagine reality right now. Right now, in this moment, you are safe baby. You're with me, and I will never let anything EVER hurt you. You know why?"

"Because... you love me?"

I smile at him. He looks exhausted and his eyes are filled with pain. But his face has completely relaxed with the rest of his body, and he isn't shaking anymore.

"Do you feel safe?"

Dan nods. He buries his face in the crook of my neck, "M' sorry Phil."

"Ah ah ah- don't you dare apologize."

He nods.

"Do you think you can try to sleep? If I help you?"

He hesitates, then nods again.

"Alright Dan. Imagine reality again. What's really happening. Tell me what's happening."

"I'm... in your arms, and you're holding me, and you're helping me sleep well."

"Good."

I stroke his head some more, kissing his lips ever so gently.

There's a moment of silence.

"Dan, do you remember our first episode of sims 4?"

Dan can't help but smile, "that was one of my favorite moments. One of the best hours of my entire life. Making Dil and dressing him and laughing with you, doing what we love."

I chuckle a little, "it was so much fun. I can't believe we put him in that clown suit. I almost miss it."

"Yeah, the alien-suit thing is cool, but it just isn't... the clown suit."

We both laugh quietly, and Dan's body is clearly letting go. He needs to sleep. I continue talking to him, but now in small whispers.

I whisper to him about Tabitha, and remind him of Eliza Pancakes. And the porcelain pig, and the proposal without pants in the fancy restaurant, and the pool and Melapples and the wedding.

Dan slowly begins to doze off, his breathing now steady and his even heartbeat against my chest. I stroke his head and his eyes finally fall. I just keep talking to him. Until I know he's been asleep for at least 20 minutes without getting scared, I kiss his lips gently.

"Good night Dan."