Letters to No One

How (愛) Loved you?

Dear Rin,

I hope when you get these letters, you realize I'm not doing this out of hatred. I don't want revenge. I just want you to have my voice when it's no longer there to remind you. I want to be there for you forevermore.

In my last letter I recalled the memories of my childhood. This time I'd like to tell you the story of how I loved you.

Not shortly after I'd come into young adulthood and you'd begun to look at boys (you were always a late bloomer) when we went to town I felt something begin to crack in the cavity of my chest. I didn't know what to tell you. I didn't look at guys the way you did. I figured I could just fake it 'til I make it, but you always saw right through me, didn't you?

"You don't like guys, do you Mimi?" you murmured one day. It was spring, you were sixteen, and I eighteen. We were having a picnic in a field on the outskirts of town. You were laying on your stomach, elbows propped up and legs crossed in the air. I was trying for nonchalance as I nibbled at a sandwich. Even so, eating doesn't prevent blushing. "Now what makes you say that?"

"Well, I should know. I don't either."

My jaw almost fell to the floor right there. That must've been my imagination right? No way my perfect, precious little Rin, my best friend, didn't like guys! I would know, right? I'd notice, right?

I remained still. Still and silent.

"We're both fakers then, aren't we."

Not even a question, nor an exclamation. A state of fact.

"I don't want to worry them."

Even then, at the mention of my parents, not a response from me. My heart was breaking. I was in self-denial. I had to leave. It was too stifling, too painful all at once.

I ran.

...

I think that it wouldn't have mattered. You could have gone right on pretending and I would still have noticed that through the sighing and the giggling, your eyes would always remain cold and shallow. Lifeless.

You never cared about anyone but yourself, I thought. That's what I believed you had meant, after all this time.

But I realized that I had never known you to begin with. The person I most confided in, most loved, trusted, admired... I never even knew her.

So then began my journey to unravel your secrets. The who's, and the why's that I never bothered with asking because I thought they didn't matter. I thought they were a part of you, when really, they were what made you who you are.

I shut you out. For a long time I tore at myself, alone in the attic with the fluttering of the rafters and the hoarse rasping of my throat after hours of crying. You didn't even try to come in and help me, but stayed at a distance where you could keep yourself safe.

I realized I had been selfishly using you as an anchor to reality, and as soon as you revealed yourself, I was floating away. I returned to being a quiet introvert, and spent much of my time either wandering town, the house, anywhere aimlessly to try and avert my thoughts from you to "..one foot in front of the other, and another step, another, one foot in front of the other..."  or sleeping, the attempt to. But really, my eyes were never open.

Is it wrong that I blame you? Even if I realize I'm a terrible person, I'm still a sinner, aren't I.

I didn't eat either. Was it out of guilt or was it something you actually felt for once when food was left on the table for me, that I didn't even look at even though I knew it was all my favorites.

Did you feel sad? Did you wonder why your heart kind of hurt a little?

Did you even notice I was in pain for a much longer time than this? That I was hurting?

Were you ever my friend?

I was aware that even now I felt something flutter a little when I saw your blond bob and the little bow that always adorned it on the right side. I gave you that bow, I thought, somewhere between uncaring and somehow lacking.

You knew though, didn't you. You had been wanting to sever the ties for a long time, and were trying to protect yourself from being hurt by hurting me.

I didn't mind that though. You realize it right? That even now, I still love you. I'm still your friend, even when you are no longer mine.

Don't feel bad. Don't feel pity, shame, guilt, or that you should feel something in return. If there is something you should feel, feel peace. Know that I am making a decision clear minded.

Know that although I never look back, I look forward with thought of you.

The bells, the bells, they're ringing! Do you remember their sweet song?  Do you remember the sweet air and the greenness of the grass? Do you remember the way the world used to be colorful? Do you remember how I loved you?