lost and found; lrh

ten

Everything seemed to be going in slow motion, and I felt like I could throw up at any moment. My heart was pounding so hard against my chest it hurt, and my thoughts were in overdrive. I regretted my decision of telling Luke how I felt almost instantly, but as soon as the words left my lips I knew there was no going back. 

There was about a four-foot radius between Luke and I. Four feet of awkward silence and lack of oxygen. We were staring at eachother. Neither of us saying a word, but both waiting for the other to do so. 

"Please say something.." I finally choked out, trying not to lose my cool in front of the boy I was immensely infatuated with. 

"I uh.. Wow." He stammered, looking down at his feet. "Do you realize how long I've waited to hear those words?" He smiled, looking up at me again. It was the kind of smile that only he could make. The only smile that ever made my stomach flip over upon itself.

I finally let out the breath I was holding, feeling releif and contentment take over. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.." 

He started walking towards me, shaking his head. "Don't be sorry." He pulled me into his arms, the overwhelming sensation of familiarity and warmth hitting me almost instantly. I took a deep breath in, being at bliss with my place in his arms. 

"And about Michael," I pulled away, craning my neck up to look at him. "I didn't think it would go that far, and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to put a strain in your guys friendship and-" I was cut off in the most beautiful way possible; Luke's lips conformed perfectly to mine, making it impossible to form any coherent sentence. The kiss was unlike anything I've ever experienced. My senses were on fire with evey fiber in my body focused on the lovely boy attatched to me at the lips. I wanted to kiss him forever, and never stop. 

Luke pulled away, looking down at me. "Shut up." He whispered, before leaning back down and kissing me softly once more. The kiss was passionate and inviting, nothing like the hungry kisses I recieved from Michael. This was romantic and loving, and all I've ever wanted. 

"I love you too. So much." He mumbled against my lips, before pulling away and kissing my forehead. I wrapped my arms around his torso, feeling the warmth of his body engulf me. I could hear his heart beat against his chest with my ear pressed to it, and I couldn't help but smile to myself. Someone alive, and breathing, with a beating heart who actually genuinly loves me was holding me right now. I never thought I would get that again. 

Then the almighty knock came at the door, making us both jolt from the comforting position. "Luke!" Liz shouted through the wood door, before opening it. Her facial expression was at first shocked, then relieved. "Oh there you are!" She exclaimed, looking at me. "I didn't find you in your room, and I was worried." She chuckled. "Anyways, dinner is ready. Both of you come downstairs." And with that she turned on her heel and walked out of view. 

Luke and I exchanged nervous glances. "What are we gonna do?" I asked, referring to our newly appointed situation, and whether letting his parents in on it would be good or not. 

He shook his head, looking down. "I don't know.. Let's just wait to tell them." He looked up at me. Who knew something as simple as eye contact could make my stomach erupt into a volcano of giddiness and emotion. "I want to make sure this is what you want." 

"You mean if you are what I want?" I corrected. 

He looked away, nodding his head. "Hey,"  I stepped closer to him, lifting his chin so that our eyes met. "You are what I want, okay?" 

He smiled, and shook his head. "Okay." I stepped onto my tippy-toes and pecked his lips reassuringly. 

We gathered ourselves around the table, Luke and I next to eachother with his parents across from us. Everything felt different. It felt normal. 

Luke positioned his hand on my knee under the table, making me instantly feel calm. I looked over at him and smiled. 

"Why are you both smiling?" Andrew scoffed, shoving a spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. "You never smile." Liz and him both let out a laugh, finding themselves rather funny. 

"Today was just a really, really good day." Luke replied simply, continuing to eat his dinner. Andrew and Liz both looked at me, and I just nodded, trying to hide how happy I truly was at Luke's comment. 

"Why? What happened?" He pushed, his eyes locked on Luke. 

Luke shook his head. "Nothing dad. Don't worry about it." He assured. 

Liz turned to me. "How was your date with Michael?" She asked, smiling. "He's such a sweet boy, I'm so glad you found someone like him." 

My smile faded. "We uh.. We broke up." I trailed off. 

She choked, coughing up the piece of chicken. "What?! Why? You seemed to really like him!" 

"I just-"

Luke cleared his throat. "They just weren't working out, mom. Leave it alone." 

"Well excuse me.." She retorted, clearly offended. "I just wanted to know what was going on with her, since she's always got herself locked in her room." 

I stood up. "Can I be done? I'm not that hungry." 

Andrew shrugged. "Sure." 

"Now I didn't mean to offend you, Bay." 

"No, it's fine. I'm just not hungry. That's all." I lied. 

She shook her head. "Okay." 

As I left the room I heard Luke mumble out a, "Way to go mom," but I was too far away to hear the rest. I hurried up the stairs, heading for the one place I knew would box up any pain I felt: my room. I threw myself onto my bed, closing my door behind me, the tears already falling down my cheeks. 

You're so weak; letting something as simple as that tear away your happiness. You disgust me.

I shook my head into the pillow, letting out a loud sob. 

If you think Luke will stay with you after seeing how destroyed you are inside, then I can't wait to see you fall to pieces when it's over.

I cried harder. It's true. Whatever, or whoever was talking to me was right. The pounding in my head; the constant voices were right. Luke won't love me forever. No one does. Not even my parents, and they took the easy way out.

You're repulsive, pathetic, unadorned, unlovable-

"Bailey?" Luke quavered. I looked up, watching him step into my room and shut the door behind him. He crawled into bed next to me, pulling me into his body. "Shhh," He whispered. "Don't cry."

"I'm sorry." I mumbled against his neck, letting out another sob.

"There's nothing to be sorry about." He soothed, running his fingers through my hair. My body trembled in his arms, making his grip tighter. "I'm not gonna let you go. I promised you I wouldn't." 

It stopped. It all stopped. The voices, the shaking, the crying..gone. It all went away, in an instant. But how....

"Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?" He asked. I pulled out of his grip -- only slightly, enough to look at him. 

"Please." I pled. His only reply was his lips pressed softly to my forehead. 

My back was pressed against Luke's chest as our bodies formed together. Every breath he took sent a brush of warm air against my neck. I laid awake for awhile, which I presumed to be long after Luke fell asleep. The soft music whistled in the quiet room, leaving me at ease. 

I pulled Luke's hand that was intertwined with mine up to my lips, placing a soft kiss to it. "I love you, Luke." I whispered, before gently drifting off into oblivion. 

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