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Chapter 16: Mind the Gap

 Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you

9 Crimes - Damien Rice

I WAS SHAKING  when I finally reached my room and without much thought, I quickly packed my suitcase and checked out of the hotel. I decided to avoid telling J my decision; she would have probably talked me out of it, and all I wanted was to leave and don't look back.

The hotel offered a car that took me back to Charles De Gaulle airport. On my way there I called Jill in sobs begging her to get me home as soon as possible. Magically she managed to find me a seat on a flight that was leaving 5 hours after that. An Economy class seat in a 20-hour long flight with two stopovers, but I was going home, and at that point, it was all that mattered. I turned off my phone after she sent me my flight information; I figured that if I was going to spend 20 hours on a plane, I should take the opportunity to do some much-needed thinking.

I landed at JFK with probably the greasiest hair in the whole State, undeniable dark circles around my eyes, and thanking God for sunglasses. A blond buzz cut stood out from the crowd and a sense of relief washed over me knowing Tom was there to pick me up. As soon as he helped me reach my car, I turned on my phone knowing I had two phone calls to make. The flight left me physically and emotionally drained but with clarity I had been desperately aiming for.

"I was worried sick Liv!" J whispered hinting to me that Niall was probably close.

"I'm sorry I just needed to leave and didn't want you to talk me out of it," I admitted, "I've just landed, and I'm on my way home."

I heard her walking and closing a door behind her, the sound of cars in the background suggesting she had probably stepped outside to talk without being heard, "Harry was going crazy, what happened?"

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that J..." I puffed fighting the tears, "it wasn't gonna work and I just needed to leave, please tell him I'm okay, but I don't want to talk to him right now."

"Are you actually leaving him?" She questioned, her tone dry.

"I'm trying to figure out things in my life, I'm sorry if you don't agree," I blurted out.

"As a matter of fact I don't, and I haven't agreed with you as of late if you must know," she said flatly, "get your shit together and stop dragging people down with you."

She hung up. I took a deep breath and decided I would deal with it later.

Closing my front door was bittersweet. I had pictured myself returning home filled with joy and excitement from that trip but was feeling absorbed and distressed instead. I've never liked feeling like I don't have things under my control, but during those months that was the overall sensation every minute of every day. I needed it to disappear.

Fast.

Calling Nick was my first step towards starting to take back the reins of my life. I told him I was flying to L.A. and needed to talk to him. He agreed with concern in his voice.

Meeting with Amy and Lena was the third measure I took in my quest back to sanity.

*

"A 20-HOUR FLIGHT in economy ?! Are you out of your freaking mind?!" Amy yelled from her kitchen, her voice traveling loud and clear to the couch where I was sitting in her living room.