Awesomeness

scared

Remember I mentioned one of my best friends having depression and attempted to commit suicide a few posts ago?

You probably don't remember

But

Yeah. I have a friend like that

We talked on a phone call yesterday and I tried to get her not to do it even though she already has everything planned out.

I tried to make her promise never to attempt doing it again

And do you know what she said

She said

"I can't promise you that"

I'm so scared right now

There's this really tingly feeling and I don't like it :(

Whenever I hear her voice on a voice message on WhatsApp or whenever I talk about her current situation, heck, whenever I think about her current situation, I just get that panicky feeling and I DON'T LIKE IT DX

My breathing quickens and it's sending shivers down my spine and my hands and my legs and my whole body goes stiff and my stomach starts churning

Even right now when I'm typing about it here I'm getting that feeling

I tried telling my other friends and asking them for advice and I'm feeling a bit better

But you probably have no idea how scared I am

I really really don't know what to do

And I don't really wanna talk to her because I'll get nervous again

I'm not just scared about her dying, I'm also scared about the person I'll become afterwards IF she does it

Will I become depressed and be sad for years or

Will I become a bully who picks on people because of their weaknesses

Will I never be happy again

(Probably not but it could be a possibility ^^^)

Or something

I don't want any of those to happen to me

I would probably seem selfish saying this but I don't wanna lose my happiness

I wanna live a happy carefree-ish life

Like how things were before she told me about it

Since I've never had anyone close to me die before

So

Idk what its like

And I don't wanna experience it

I've never went to a funeral before

She sent me a voice message today

I'm afraid to open it

Judging by my other friend's reaction to it...I feel even more scared

You guys probably think I'm over thinking and rambling nonsense

I hate this

I don't want her to do it and I don't wanna worry about her doing it

The only reason I see that she's giving me is because people are being fake to her

But how about the nice people

That's no reason to commit suicide

She says that she has no reason to live

But I see so many...

I've tried to help her by buying her gifts

I bought her manga from Canada it's a surprise sssssshhhhhhhhhh

I also tried to direct our conversations  away from the topic

*bangs head against table*

I don't know what to do

i'm scared

someone help me ;-;

But the question still remains: should I or should I not listen to the voice message she's left me?