Sex And Teen Stuff

HOW TO HANDLE SEX WHEN YOU'RE NOT PREPARED

You've given in to temptation and decided to head out with the girls. With no time to shave or apply tan, you really couldn't give a fuck what you look like because you have no intentions of getting eaten out by some randomer. You throw on your oldest bra that makes your tits look A1, a pair of spanx to suck in the Christmas belly and half a bottle of Britney Spears perfume to disguise the fact that you haven't showered today.

A few group chat messages back and fourth and you've arranged a meet up point with your friends. Sure it's a Sunday, it'll be a quiet one. But in life, things happen when you least expect them to and this phrase particularly comes into play when an Adonis approaches you. This angel's creation actually wants to converse with you, a sad excuse for a Bridget Jones singleton who thinks shaving her legs should be taken as an annual holiday. But things are going well with this guy and he's either compensating for small equipment or is genuinely interested in you.

Sex is inevitable and although your vagina looks like a shower plug hole, it's been a while since it's been poked and prodded by a male counterpart and the anxiety of how unprepared you are really doesn't phase you while you're downing vodka shots like tiny little glasses of water. However, it still remains in the back of your mind just how furry your legs are so here is how to prepare when sex comes at an unexpected time. Consensual sex, might I add.

1. Go To The Bathroom

Chances are your makeup is completely smeared off your face and you're beginning to resemble Kate Moss during her relationship with Pete Doherty, no actually- you look like Pete Doherty. Cake on the powder like you've never powdered before because it's going to be a sweaty one. Contour the double chin away, he'll be none the wiser that your facial bone structure is non existent. Try and negotiate with the Nigerian woman in the toilet and suffocate everyone with her deodorant. A cheeky spray under the skirt and you're good to go.

2. Take Off The Fucking Granny Pants

Yes, they're great for when your period is due and all you want to do it stop sucking in and let your bloated belly breathe. However, you're sat at a bar with someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want you wearing underwear at all. Go into the bathroom, take them off, stuff them in your handbag and pray to God he doesn't smell the discharge lingering from it.

3. 'Freshen Up'

OK, there's only so much freshening up you can do in the bathroom of a bar. Spray perfume on every inch of your body. Especially your vagina. Surprise him by giving him the taste of Calvin Klein 'Eternity' in his mouth. You'll definitely get a text back after that one.

4. Breath Mint

What could be more unappealing than a vagina that feels like King Kong's arse? Oh yeah, breath that smells of two boxes of cigarettes and the pints you thought you could handle. Blow him (literally) away with your minty fresh breath. Knock back those Polo mints like skittles. My guess is you'd need a whole packet to cover up the night's kebab.

5. Tell Him You Haven't Shaved

Yes, horrifically embarrassing but you're the better person for warning him of what lies beneath. Make up something like ''oh I'm growing it out so I can get it waxed'' or ''I had my period and I just wasn't prepared to deal with shaving it''. Chances are, he really couldn't give a fuck, he's just glad he's getting his dick wet.

6. Don't Stay The Night

What's worse than having sexunprepared? Doing the walk of shame unprepared. No doubt you'll see an old school teacher or the local priest on your walk home and you could do without the looks of disgust from passer-by's. Getting a taxi home to your own house will ensure two things: 1) you'll probably never have to see that person again and 2) one less awkwardmoment to add to the books by not having to do the stride of pride.