Ruined

her baby

I walk out into the hall and look back into the room. She's crying and the anger I had felt a moment before dissipates. Her cry is intense and if she doesn't stop her sob to breathe I'm afraid I'll have to go back in there and help her. I stare longer until I see her chest rise and fall once. She breathed. Feeling uneasy, I walk away. I hate to see her cry and I hate knowing she's crying. But right now I hate that I can't do anything about it.

Her smile makes my day, my life, and everything in between.

Walking down the hall one of the nurses stop me. "Mr. Horan, patient Tori, the one who was in the accident is your wife."

"Yes?"

"I am in and out of that room. We haven't formally met I've come in while you were asleep. I'm on her service for the night."

"Oh..."

"Yes, you haven't seen your daughter yet. Do you want to see her."

"Uh..."

"Yes, come see her." She leads the way and with no where else to go I follow her. I'm afraid to see her. Truth be told, I wanted to see her the same time Tori did. That's how it goes, husband and wife, mother and father to see their child together. But now that is ruined. Tori can't even look at me let alone look at our child. Walking by the rooms you can hear the chatter. High, some low, hushed whispers. You hear the occasional beeps and can smell the scent of medicine.

She stops by a room and holds the door for me. I walk inside and I can smell the precious fragrance of babies.

"She's beautiful." She says walking to the third child in the room. She doesn't have much hair on her head. She has eyelashes longer than life. Her face shaped just like her mother's and the cutest little nose. She's a spitting image of her mother. The nurse picks her up raising her to her chest and signals at me as she tries to hand her to me. Unprepared and afraid I decline.

"It's okay a lot of first time dad's are afraid at first. But once you hold her you'll see why they never want to let go."

My arms go out ready to take her but I think the nurse sensed my discomfort, that or she seen it. She placed her in my arms and fixes the way my hands and body are.

Feeling her tiny limbs, hands and feet so close to me. I eyes blur with tears. I had forgotten the nurse was in the room until she giggled.

"Now you know why they never want to let go." She patted my arm, "Congratulations." And left me alone with my new baby girl.

Her breath is strained and she squirms in my hands making my heart skip with fear. Her eyes flutter open with struggle. I kiss her soft skin and the tear streams down my face.

"Hello, I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy, I've waited a long time to see you."

Her baby blue eyes stare back at me, and she blinks repeatedly before the biggest grin takes up her face. Nothing but gums and tongue and I find it in me to laugh a hearty laugh. It was there only for a second but it was the best second ever.

"Look at you, oh look at you. Your mommy will love you. Your daddy already loves you."

A nurse comes in, "There are chairs for you to sit on if you need to sit."

I take a seat on the chair and hold this baby; my baby; Tori and my baby; our baby.

She stares at me and the nurse in the room says, "You know babies build better comfort and connection to their daddy when they have skin on skin contact."

"May I?"

"Of course, by all means."

"Can you...uh could you?" She smiles taking my daughter and removing her clothes. I remove my shirt before taking my little baby back into my arms and holding her close to me. Her soft cool skin warming up my own.

I take my seat once again and a man walks in. He stands in front of whom I assume to be his child and glances at me and back at the child.

"Uh...what is it that you're doing?"

"Building a connection between me and my baby."

The nurse again comes out to say, "Babies build better comfort and connection to their daddy when they have skin on skin contact."

The man immediately begins taking off his shirt. "This is my first son, all my other children are girls and I have three others. They are all mommy's girls. This one is mine." He begins taking the little clothes off his son and brings his son close to him. Rocking and swaying him.

I return my attention to my girl but she is fast asleep. I leave a kiss to her nose. "You are beautiful."

"May I bring her to my wife?" I ask.

The nurse smiles, "Of course, we do recommend you dress her again. It's a bit cold out there."