I've earned my place with the tidal waves, I can't escape this feeling, that something ain't right
***
| Bailey |
I roll over in bed, my entire body aching and my stomach churning due to the excessive amounts of chemo I've been receiving daily.
"Good morning Bailey," Zoey gives me a kind smile as she checks my vitals and makes sure everything is running smoothly. I just hum lightly let her know I heard, too tired to respond as I roll over and close my eyes.
"Do you think it'll work?" I whisper suddenly, reopening my eyes and rolling over again to face my nurse. Zoey gives me a sad smile as she scribbles something down on her clipboard.
"Well that's certainly the plan," she whispers softly. "I can't make any promises, because we never know for sure. That's the thing about chemo; it isn't an absolute cure, so there's never a 100% guarantee," she sighs, biting her lip softly and squeezing my shoulder. I try not to visibly wince as Zoey retracts her hand. "But you're strong, and I'll keep you in my thoughts," she says softly before leaving. I sigh and close my eyes again, letting my thoughts consume me.
They tell me that the chemo and whatever other medicine I'm being given is supposed to help, yet I feel like I'm only getting worse. I can feel my body getting weaker and weaker. I'm tired all the time, and my body aches so badly that sometimes I can't even sit up. Ash and the boys had been taking me on walks around the oncology floor every few days, but now I'm no longer able to do so. I just want to sleep for ten years, but even in my sleep my body somehow manages to find discomfort. It feels as if I'm wasting away right in front of myself, and there's nothing I can do about it.
"Hey babe," a familiar chirpy voice sings. I open my eyes sleepily as Xander gently perches himself on the end of my bed, his eyes slightly duller than usual as I stare at him. "I'd ask you how you feel, but having been through this process myself, I'm sure I already know the answer," he chuckles sadly, slowly inching closer to me and gently entwining our fingers together.
"Yeah," I sigh, staring at our locked hands.
"How've you been?" I question, trying to push the nagging thought in the back of my mind away.
"Well, I get to start up school again this year, yay," Xander chuckles with fake enthusiasm. "I'm going to be a junior, so what better time to jump back into the schooling process than the supposedly hardest and most grueling year of your life?" His voice is dripping with sarcasm, making me giggle.
"Have fun with that," I laugh, slowly and gently pushing myself into a sitting position.
"Oh, I'll have a blast," Xander rolls his eyes, and I smile, ruffling his soft head.
"Your hair is starting to grow back!" I exclaim, liking the fuzzy feeling beneath my fingers.
"Hey, no touchy," Xander whines, gently pulling my hand away. I pout and give him the puppy dog eyes, Ashton's biggest weakness.
"But it feel so good," I whine.
Xander tries to hold back a smile, failing miserably. "That's what she said," he laughs. I scoff and try not to giggle, but end up doing so anyway. I scold him and elbow his side as he fake whines. After this, we fall into a comfortable silence.
"Xander, can I ask you something?" I speak up after a few minutes.
"Of course," he replies.
I play with our hands, that are still entwined. "Do you . . . do you think I'm going to die?" I whisper. It's been a thought that's been nagging in the back of my head, but I haven't had the courage to ask this question yet. I also don't want to upset Ashton or mom, since they're just as fragile lately.
Xander sighs, moving to the other side of the bed and cuddling close to me. "Truthfully? I don't think you will. I don't know why, but I just have this gut feeling, telling me that you're going to be okay."
I smile at him and lay my head on his chest. "You think so?" I whisper.
"I know so," he whispers back, placing a light kiss on my forehead.
We stay this way for a while longer until he has to leave. As he does so, Ash and Luke come in with my mom and they give us a smile.
"Hey little penguin," Luke smiles softly as he sits at the foot of my bed. I smile back and roll onto my side to the best of my ability as Ashton perches himself on the other side of my bed.
"How are you feeling?" Mom asks she pulls a chair up to my bed. I shrug, mentally wincing at the pain any little movement brings. Mom sighs, biting her lip as she strokes my forehead. Luke and Ashton are whispering quietly at the foot of my bed.
"I uh — I'll be right back," Ashton stammers, suddenly getting up and leaving the room. Mom sighs, giving me a sad and apologetic look before going after him. Luke watches them for a moment before turning his attention over to me. He sighs, gently inching closer to me on the bed.
"He'll be okay," Luke murmurs, playing with my hand. "He's just scared." I nod my head, not really sure what to say.
"I'm so tired of this," I mumble, slowly bringing my eyes up to meet Luke's. His blue orbs bore deep into mine, and I feel my throat start to tighten.
"Of what?" He asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Of everything," I sigh, my voice cracking. "I miss being normal, and getting to do things with you boys. I want to be a normal teenage girl and go to dances and date and — I just want to be okay again." I try not to cry unsuccessfully as my lip quivers. Luke has me pulled close to him in a heartbeat as I softly cry into his chest.
"I know you're tired. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But please don't give up. Not yet," he whispers, his voice cracking as he rests his chin on my head.
I nod, savoring the comfort I feel when any of the boys hold me. I'm so tired of this, but I still want to live. I just wish this would all go away. I miss the way things used to be, before I got sick.
The worst part is, I don't want to die, but I can feel myself doing exactly that. It's not like I can stop it; believe me, I would if I could. I don't know how much longer I have, but I feel like time is running out, and I hate it.
So I cling to Luke tightly, appreciating his hugs beyond belief. "I'll try."
A/N - the last part with Luke and Bailey almost made me cry, not gonna lie. But guys! This story is almost over! Now I feel like crying even more!
On a happier note, I went shopping with my friends today and it was fun. On another note, why the hell do I like this band??? Did anyone else see Ashton's bent about not having beer in a week and how hyper he is??? They're literally 5, I swear
Anywayyy, have a wonderful day/night and stay fabulous!
~ Em xx
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Unbroken | Ashton Irwin's Little Sister (COMPLETED)
Fanfiction[COMPLETED] "I'm not going to let this define me, and I'm certainly not going to let it destroy me." In which Ashton's sister is hiding a secret that will change both of their lives.
