Letters to Elle

02 | Carnations

            02 | Carnations

            The walk toward Cara, Jer, and Jake may have been the most nervewracking moment in the past year. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like after Elle disappeared I just decided to cut ties with Cara and Jer, too, because I didn’t. It was a gradual separation, and the discovery of Elle’s death just sealed the deal.

            There’s just something about not talking to your friends for the longest time and then suddently being forced to strike up a conversation with them that scared the shit out of me.

            “You got this,” I mumble to myself. A miniature pep talk of some sort.

            The angry look on Cara’s face as I appraoch them isn’t a good sign. Her face twists together in a way that makes her look unattractive.

            “Careful,” I warn her. “Make that face for too long, and you might end up like that forever.”

            Her eye seems to twitch at my words. “Bitch,” she spits.

            Jer sighs, putting his hands between Cara and I. “Now, now, ladies. Let’s try to be civil.” He then turns on me. Figures. “Waverly, why are you here?”

            I gape at him. Sure, I expected them to not be happy that I’m here in their presence, but I didn’t expect them to downright put out the fact that they don’t want me here.

            “Really, Jeremy?” I ask him, using his full name like he did for me. I point at my brother, texting again off to the side. “Jake can be here but not me?”

            Jer’s eyes harden. They aren’t the soft brown that I rememeber from earlier today when he reassured me that everything was going to be okay. Not only are his eyes not the same, but neither is he. Something changed. “Jake didn’t get Elle killed,” he retorts. “You did.”

            I feel like a line was just crossed, but I know that there wasn’t. “I know you guys are mad at me,” I say. “For ignoring you . . . forgetting about you . . . and—“

            “You didn’t just forget about us,” Cara snaps. “You forgot about Elle, too.”

            My brows furrow together. “What? I could never forget about Elle.”

            “Sure doesn’t seem like it to me,” she says. “You’ve retreated into your own little world, not giving a fuck about everyone around you. We—“ she moves a hand furiously between herself and Jer, “—have been trying to get ahold of you for the past month, and the only reason you talked to one of us, which by the way was Jer and not me, was because Mrs. Summers wanted you to write some idiotic speech together about how wonderful and amazing Elle was.”

            I’ve had enough of this. I’ve had enough of everyone piling against me, telling me that what I’ve done is wrong.

            Finally, I explode. “I know that ignoring my friends was wrong! I know that retreating into my own little world was wrong! And I sure as hell know that the only reason I talked to Jer, not you, Cara, was because I was forced to was wrong!” A heavy sob tries to force its way out of my body, but I don’t let it. I hold it all end, just waiting for the moment that it all comes flailing out at the seams. “I know that I was wrong,” I whisper, “so you don’t have to remind me that I’m a bitch. I already know that.”

            It’s so like Cara to listen to someone pour their heart out and just simply say ‘okay’.

            I open my mouth to speak, but Jake cuts me off. Slipping his phone into his pocket, he turns toward me.