Saving me

The Painful Beggining.

I sat there staring at the piece of paper before me. My physiatrist had just given it to me, there at the top was my diagnosis, the words I thought would define me forever. It read, Sever Anxiety, Sever Depression, PTSD (or post traumatic stress disorder). Slowly the warm tears began sliding down my face. I began sobbing into my hands as the reality sunk in.
I wasn't always like this though it all started with wanting to fit in. As I pulled out of my driveway in my old, blue, Ford pickup, my mind began buzzing of all the fun things I would do that day. I picked up my best friend, Allison, with only one thing on my mind, drinking. Along the way we picked up her boyfriend, Derek, and his best friend Malik. Then we swung around and grabbed my good friends James, and Mitchell.
That even we pulled up to the "party house." The party house, was a huge house in the middle of nowhere down a few back roads. The house had been for sale for over a year and had been empty for just as long. As usual we carded the garage door and walked straight in, like we owned the place, bringing all the alcohol in behind us. James found low sitting window and pulled the screen off opening the window and climbing inside. He opened the door for us and there sat the kitchen also stocked with alcohol.
Later that night, I went downstairs to the only bedroom with a bed in it, because by then I was very drunk. As I laid there I watched the world spin as I came in and out of consciousness. After awhile I became aware that I was no longer alone in the room. Slowly, my eyes began to focus on the intriguer, Mitchell, who had locked the door behind him and made himself comfortable beside me. At first, everything went fine, and slowly things began to get out of hand. The night of June 24th, 2014, I was sexually assaulted.
I turned my attention back to the paper that had just been given to me. Later that day I was checked out of the mental health hospital and came home. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Later that Summer
"It will make you feel better, I promise." Said my boyfriend, Derek, as we sat alone in his messy bedroom. "What if I get addicted, or something?" I asked jokingly. "Then I will support your addiction." He jokingly said back. "Here try it." He said handing me the piece he used with marijuana in it. With some hesitation, I took the piece from his hand and began smoking the odd smelling plant. After awhile it felt like the world had some sort of gloss over it, and I began to feel less worried about the future and my past, and much happier all together. I laid back on his bed enjoying the feeling and smoking until I had fell asleep.
This went on for years... Me smoking and living every moment of my life in a different reality. I would go to work and school high. I was 14 and invincible. Nothing could ever hurt me, boy was I wrong.
But yet, deep down I hated myself. I hated who I was and who I was becoming. I got to the point in my life where I could no longer look in the mirror. Finally it all got too much. I went to the medicine cabinet and began taking every pill in sight. My mind must have been fuzzy because I woke up in my car outside of my house running, with my mom screaming at me from the outside. Instantly, my mom new something was wrong and quickly took me to the E.R. 30 minutes away. I tried to take my life 4 more times throughout the next 3 years.
About 3 years later
I lay in a dark room of my basement bedroom. Covering the windows with blankets allowing no light to get in, I lay there slowly fading away. After 3 years my double life had caught up with me and had gotten too much. I had quit public school, for I was unable to complete a whole day without leaving crying. I had started online school, and of course had absolutely no motivation to do it. Everyday my depression worsened and I began to isolate myself more and more. On January first I had quit drugs, and had reduced myself into staying in a dark room all day and night. For almost 3 months this is how I lived.
February 29th
February 29th was a day I'd never forget. It was the day I was brought to Teen Challenge. Teen Challenge was unlike any rehabilitation place I had ever been to. Instead of pilling on more medications, they gave me a bible. Instead of giving me a diagnoses they gave me a bible, and hope. On March 14th, 2016, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. Then on June 4th I came home a changed person.
A New Outlook
I look in the mirror and smile. I can't help but smile when I see myself. Because I am beautiful, and there truly isn't a single thing I would change about me. Some days I look back on my past, and realize that everything I had gone through has only made me the person I am today. Today looking back, I made some terrible choices. But, these choices do not define me. I am a smart, beautiful, fun-loving girl, who always tries to brighten other people's day. I have new friends who know my past but love me for who I am now and encourage me to continue to recover.
Today
Today as I write this, I am smiling because I am truly happy. Instead of being put on more medications I am now working with a physiatrist to get off of medications. Today I now help other friends and strangers through difficulties. I notice the beauty in the small things. I am drug free and have been for 8 months. I no longer have to have a boyfriend and am very happy with being single and living my life. When I graduate high school, and yes I have gotten all caught up in school, I will be going to college to become a therapist.  Today I'm 16, almost 17, and as I look back on my life I see how far I have come. Never did I ever think I would be a success story. But, today as I write this I can definitely see I am one. I have overcome my depression and PTSD, and still have difficulty with my anxiety but never let it define me. Life is beautiful, don't hide from the opportunities in it, embrace them. Finally, please remember you are worth fighting for, and no matter what you are going through you can overcome it. Never give up.
The End
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Please comment, I love to hear from others. Please no hate also, thanks! If you are struggling with something don't hesitate to reach out for help. You are never weak for needing help. You are strong for wanting a better life for yourself and recognizing that you need it. Your life is very valuable,  for there is no one like you. I would like to end this story with my favorite quote. "You are only given a spark of madness, you mustn't lose it!" -Robbin Williams