I Love You Despite All That

Not Again

I woke up to bright white lights and a bunch of nurses standing around me taking notes on clip boards. I could hear one say, "She's up!!". Then they all scattered and about 5 minutes later one nurse who was about 5'8 with should length burgundy hair that she had pushed back behind her ears. She was wearing pink and black scrubs with a black sweater on top. Her face was light brown with freckles all over, her lips were plump and pink with clear lip gloss on top. I couldn't really tell what her body was like because the scrubs did no justice. She was saying something but it wasn't audible solely because I was just staring at how beautiful she was. She started waving her hands in my face and that's when I snapped back into reality. She asked me some orientation questions, then asked me what happened. While talking to her the doctor who is mighty fine herself, she just stood and looked at me for a few moments then looked at the monitors. After about 10 minutes, she asked me if I had any friends or family that I could stay with because I would be on suicide watch for a few weeks. I said no, so she said they could send someone from the psych ward 4 times a week for 6 hours to observe and keep me company. I reluctantly agreed. The doctor left but the nurse stayed.

"So why did you do it?" She asked in kind of a soft tone and her eyes seemed genuinely concerned.
"Life is why I did it. I'm tired. My anxiety only gets worse by the day and my pulling is even worse than before. It's beginning to take a mental and emotional toll on me." I started tearing up but I refuse to keep crying over this.
"Why do you pull? I noticed the spots. Do you have someone to talk to about this? You know the girl who called the ambulance is in the waiting room freaking out and she has been since you got here. It seems like she really cares. She knows all of your medical information including your SSN." I Laughed at her response and her eyes lighten a little.
" I thought she was the one I could talk to but she's always busy and really mean about my situation. She'll laugh at me then turn around and tell me how stupid I am for doing this to myself. I know it's wrong but I can't stop. It hurts but at the same time it's what calms me down and keeps me off edge. I'm trying ... I really am. She's my...... hell I don't know what she is anymore. She was my girlfriend, then friend, then nothing... now here we are. I don't want her to see me like ..." Before I could finish Erin was walking in. She looked pale. She had bags under her eyes. She looked like she hasn't slept in days. Before I could open my mouth she ran to me and hugged me like it was our last time seeing each other.

"I'm sorry for how I've treated you. I knew you needed help but instead I was an ass and I'm sorry. I love you. I really do. I know we didn't work out as girlfriends but you are my only consistent factor. If I lost you I don't know what I would do. Did I say I'm sorry? Yet.... Lea Noel Brown I love you. Will you still be my best friend?" She was literally balllllinnnng her eyes out and I was too. I loved Erin. She really was my best friend. I had family but they lived far away. Erin was who I depended on. I needed her. Her being mean was her way of tough love and I didn't realize that until just now.

After talking to Erin we decided that the person from the Psych ward would could Monday- Thursday and Erin would come Friday- Sunday but I would call her if something was wrong during the times I would be alone. I forgot the nurse was still sitting there listening. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She was really gorgeous so maybe once I get out of here we could go on a date. No way that should be on my mind but she's gorgeous and I like women. She looked at her watch then back at me before putting a note in my hand and kissing my cheek. Then just like that she was gone.

I put the note under the cover then turned to see Erin asleep on that uncomfortable ass couch. I called her name and told her to cuddle with me. She did and we fell asleep. I'm glad Erin was here. I felt at peace.