Finding My Way Through Darkness

The Beginning

Do you remember as a kid when you thought you had everything planned out for yourself? How you were going to graduate from a top college, have your dream job, get married and pop out a couple kids. Well you might realize now that your older that shit doesnt always go as planned. I remember wanting to be lawyer, wanted to have a big house and live out my dreams. I dont want that anymore. I dont know what I want actually.

As a young one I told myself I wouldnt do drugs, wouldnt have sex till marriage, wouldnt drink or become what my mom was as a teenager. Boy did I prove myself wrong. You see as i got older I turned into an asshole kid. My relationship with my mom is complete shit, we fight and argue way too much. I think maybe its cause of all the pent up anger I have towards things that i take it out on her. I never felt like she trusted me so im finally giving her reasons to not to.

The anger and depression started as i got older when I was told the things I never knew and didnt want to hear, when bad things happened to me and I didn't understand what I had done so wrong for it to happen to me.

Age 7, my mom had married a man she had known since she was 16 years old. She was completly in love with him. He was great at first, when they had just been married. But after awhile things changed. I remember the first time it ever happened. My mom was at work and I had wet the bed(something that didn't stop till age 11) so i had went into the living room to lay down with him. I was tired and fell asleep and woke up with him on top of me. I dont think anything really bad happened that night but words and his face still haunt me. It went on for about 3 years until I had finally decided to come out to my mom and tell him what he had being doing. She didn't belive it at first, she was very angry and yelled but didn't believe it. I think i have the most anger towards him. He acted like i was lying, tried to convince me in front of my mom that it was just a dream. I hate him. With a fucking passion i hate that man. Hes the reason for my body issues, sometimes I can barely touch myself because memories fill up my head and make me feel dirty. I no longer felt innocent. I felt alone and sick and used. I know it wasnt my fault but alot of the time I blame myself for not saying anything sooner. Wouldve caused alot less pain for alot of people.

I was finally happy when we left and came back to my hometown. But it was also then that the worst stage of depression kicked in.

At age 12 I was told that my Aunt was actually my Grandma. Like really? After all I went through I had to find that out too?That was confusing as fuck to a 12 year old girl. I was already confused about myself, was always locked in my room because I had no friends in a new school. I ate my feelings away. I had lost connection with my mom. I had lost connection with everyone. I didnt want to lose myself but I did and its still hell trying to find me.

It was like a tornado of hurt, lies, and sadness rushed over and swept me from underneath. I wasnt prepared. I dont think i could've ever been.