Why I'm Here

The First Night

Feb 18th, 2015
I think that my therapist, Dave, got it wrong. Why does he believe that writing down my story will make me feel better. All I feel is the pain. The loss of Matty, the hatred towards him, but most of all the love. My mom tells me I'll be okay each time she visits. But she can never understand the true depths of our relationship. He had become my world and when they took him away my world feel apart. Maybe tomorrow I'll write about him.

Feb 19th, 2015
Matty's car had a scent to it that I still wake up smelling. It smelled slightly of cigarette smoke, weed and a woodsy smell that was just him. I spent so much time in the passenger seat of that car just driving around. When I got in his car that first night he told me he had a few more stops to make. We stopped at multiple parties across town. Each time we went in he would drop a package off and we would leave. He dealt mostly weed. Sometimes cocaine depending on whether he had it. I hadn't smoked once in my lifetime. But for some reason when offered me his joint I took a hit. Our relationship was centered around drugs. I guess I always knew that in the back of my mind. But I told myself I was choosing to smoke but maybe I never really had a choice.

I told Matty I had curfew at 1:00 so he drove me home. I was cross faded for the first time in my life and when he looked at me with his eyes I felt a desire I had never felt for a guy before. I'd been in 2 relationships before. Neither had lasted. Matty kissed me, pulling me into his lap. Kissing me like I'd never been kissed before. His tongue slipped into my mouth making me moan. His hands slipped under my shirt unclasping my bra. I could feel his erection growing  under my thigh. The weight of his lips and the feeling of his hands made my head spiral. I needed air. I got off of him breathless saying I needed to go. He just looked at me not saying anything. Eventually i got out of the car. I was too afraid to ask if I would see him again. Maybe I was scared that I wanted to see him again.

Feb 20th, 2015
When I got into my house my dad was still up watching TV. I could barely walk up the stairs without falling but somehow I made it to my room without attracting his attention. Maybe if he had noticed me that first night he would've stopped me from falling down so far. I would've hated him for it, but wouldn't that be better then I feel now.
I looked at my phone and saw I had multiple missed calls and texts from Claire. She wanted to know if I made it home and who gave me a ride. I called her back and told her about Matty. But I left out the part where he kissed me and the fact that I was high out of my mind. That was one thing we didn't do. The cheerleaders and football players I associated with at school didn't smoke, meaning I shouldn't either. I couldn't talk to her about it so soon my only outlet became Matty. Maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe he wanted to isolate me from my old life. Make himself my entire life. I guess he succeeded.

Feb 21st, 2015
I didn't see or hear from Matty for another week. At one point I had myself convinced it was a dream.
The next Saturday my mother made me attend a brunch for her society at the Clubhouse. I was going into the kitchen for a water when I saw him. He was washing dishes. Maybe if I believed in destiny I would say that we were meant to meet again. But I don't so I guess it was a coincidence? When I saw him I freaked. I still wasn't entirely convinced that I wanted to see him again but I could remember his touch and my body wanted more. He turned around when he heard me enter. His eyes seemed bored but I guess that how they always looked. He smirked at me and said
"you just can't seem to stay away huh?"
I stared at him for a solid minute before I could try and explain what I was doing there but he didn't stop to listen to me. He told me he was off in 15 and to meet him in the parking lot. Without saying anything I turned and walked out thinking maybe I wouldn't go. But my mind was already making up an excuse to tell my mom.
When I found my mom I told her there was a cheer practice scheduled for this afternoon and Claire was here to pick me up. My mom didn't even bat an eye. She just let me go. I can't blame my parents but I think some part of me does. Maybe if they had noticed the changes before things got out of hand I wouldn't be where I am now. I never lied before I meet him. I never stayed out past curfew. I went to cheer practice. I never cut school. I didn't do drugs. Why didn't my parents notice. They didn't even fucking notice the clothes. But like I said it was my fault. And I'm getting off track.

When I got to the parking lot he was already there. Leaning against his car smoking. When he saw me he got in his car waving at me to follow. We went back to his apartment. He told me he lived with 3 other guys. But they weren't home right then. When we got inside he asked me if I wanted to smoke a bong. I'd obviously never hit a bong before but once again I made the decision to go against everything I knew.

After we smoked I laid down on the couch. He pulled me onto his lap. He leaned down to kiss me, slowly deepening the kiss. I sat up wanting more. But he leaned back. Matty laughingly asked me if I was a virgin. I wanted to say no. I didn't want him to think of me as some innocent little girl. But I couldn't lie to him. When I said I was he told me it didn't matter. He told me we would only go as far as I wanted. We continued to make out. I pulled his shirt off and soon my was off as well.

It felt like only seconds later but it was probably longer his apartment door opened. I screamed grabbing for my shirt. Matty jut lay on the couch laughing. Three guys walked in which I assumed were his roommates. Matty slowly got up and introduced them to me. George was the tallest one, Adam was the sweetest and Ross was the quietest. They each became a part of my life. After the initial awkwardness of the situation went away they sat down and started smoking and playing video games. I told Matty I needed to go home before my parents began to wonder. He drove me home again. This time he asked for my number. He said he would pick me up tomorrow if I wanted to come on some errands with him. 
Of course I said yes.