Rehabilitation (a tony x loki fic)

I just gotta say this. (NOT A CHAPTER)

But this story? It has huge history, like huge.

I'm going to open up about something, so uh, here we go.

I started this a long time ago, I think I wasn't even in... High school yet? Life went along, my parents were seperated, and boy did I love avengers, my dad had it recorded and while it wasn't from the beginning, I watched it so much. I honestly loved avengers so much, I was quite childish back then too, clueless. I didn't know at the time but I actually have autism, which was... Quite clear back then.

One day, a smash of inspiration hit me, I was at my mothers and I sat down. I, the adhd ridden child that had to stun by running around very often, sat down for several hours and shat out 10,000 words.

That was the first chapter of rehabilitation.
I posted it on a03, didn't expect anything to happen, it sat there, I went to bed, and the next morning, dude.
People saw it. People liked it.

But you know why this was shocking to me?

I have written expression disorder, which basically means that getting things out of my head is hard, for the longest time I couldn't write on paper or keyboard, and that was just starting to change.

And people liked what I had put out there.

I excitedly kept updating in smaller doses, I honestly don't think I can write freaking 10,000 words again ever like I did, that was... An experience. It kept growing, it kept getting bigger.

And then I lost interest.

And more things happened.
My father was actually brainwashing me to hate my mother at that time and it was at its peak when I dropped the story, my father didn't want me using Internet at his place and more or less tried to cut me off from the world. I still got on of course, but it was a sharp battle. I saw nothing wrong with it.

Skip forward a bit, grade 10 starts, I was doing so well! I was a cocky cunt who hated my mother, was open about it, and then that changed.
I started to dread my father, going to visit him. He would be drunk every night, I would sit there while he would go on about things, how he was one day going to sell his cottage (where he lived and I grew up) while I was right there.
I kept going because of the cottage, my life for so long was there.. And I didn't want to lose it.

And then, something finally broke.
I started cutting, my father was asleep, I couldn't do anything intense so I just grazed myself, left little scratches.
Told my mother when she had to pick me up... She wasn't mad. I was startled.

Grade 10 continued on and honestly, if I was still seeing my father at that point or not was a blur, I don't remember much of that time, but I remember the hit of inspiration I got of how sharp lead pencils were. Legit though, it's a miracle I didn't get lead poisoning, I think you know what I'm implying I did.
It came to the point I couldn't go to any of my classes, I had to say in the support room all day, I would go for walks and blindly fall asleep outside in my horrid mental state. I was given an exacto knife in art class and that ended as you would expect.
Except I was calm and chill about it. You know, the fact that I took an exacto knife to my fucking wrist. I had seriously lost it completely.

Not a day went by where I didn't Injure myself at school, I stopped reporting it, I just went on with my day. Cutting had become an addiction.

And finally I wanted to kill myself. I made a plan, set a date... Stupidly shared that online.

And God bless my best friend, bless him. If it wasn't for him I- I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.

Let's say that being kept in the mental ward at the hospital is not fun. It's the opposite of fun.
Didn't learn my lesson though, but for a while I did.
Started talking to my dad again, how did that end? I tried to walk into the middle of the road. Got kept at hospital for four days that time.

And now I was getting therapy.
Actual therapy.

And where am I now? Sitting In bed while I should be asleep, writing this. I have a job, haven't hurt myself in over several months, i am moving on from my father, life is still painful, but I am doing it.

So what does this have to do with this? Well.

I posted this here before all the shit went down, and slowly it gained popularity. I felt... Needed.

How angry you all got at fury when he got Loki to kneel, when I FINALLY made the kiss happen, all those big events, you all really loved it.

And while I don't have the energy to continue this, I want you all to just hear this.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me know that I have made something that you all have enjoyed, that you can come back to, that you can get mad at. It's not the best writing, and I'm not the best person, but you guys like this story, you guys like what I have written.

And you never know.
I might just pay you guys back one day.

So listen; thank you. Thank you so much and never give up hope. Every writer has a story, and no matter how big or small it is, each and every one matters.

-R

2019 SUMMER UPDATE

So, I accidentally unpublished and republished this chapter, so i figure I would give you guys an update on me, since this was written a while ago <3

I am now living in an apartment on my father's property, all of my mental problems have been mostly sorted out and I have never been so well. I attended my first year of college and am learning to drive, got my G1!

My mother and father have sorted out their problems and while they dislike talking, they act like adults. My father can be in the same room with his sisters without anyone getting killed, which is a good, but they're never resolving their problems, trust me. 

I have never been better. I have a stable job, I have not harmed myself in over two years and my remaining depression spurts have left completely. I suffer from paranoia due to witnessing multiple near death situations involving my father's type 1 diabetes but even that is getting better.

I am, in every sense of it, a survivor of abuse, mental illness and family disease. I consider myself someone who is doing pretty good now, and I want all of you to know that while you may be struggling right now, to wake up in the morning in your own home, to think "wow, life is great" and not feeling down is incredible. You can make it. You will.